Busted Heart

The first time I heard this song last week I was hooked right from the title.  Busted heart?  Yup, been there. Still there. Will be there again many times as I live my life out on earth, caught up in God's saving grace. I think that many people think Christians live in this bubble where life is perfect, and when it's not we certainly never dare admit it!!  We most certainly better never admit to struggling, questioning, doubting. Being angry, hurt, admitting that we are selfish and flawed.  That we struggle with the enemy every single day.

God's grace is so much bigger than all of that.  ALL. OF. IT.

The Greatness of God is so much bigger than All. Of. Me.

Today was just a weird day. I know I haven't shared many specific details of how things have been since the loss of our baby this Summer.  My body just is having a very hard time healing and getting regulated. There are several issues that are ongoing and the days are beginning to get long.  Of all things I had to go in to the Doctors office for a pregnancy test today. While I knew it would be negative I must admit I did, for a brief moment (ok...several moments) entertain the idea that maybe...just maybe it would be positive?  And wouldn't that be just like God to do something that incredibly huge in my life, because right now I sincerely doubt if we will ever be blessed with another pregnancy. Sometimes my hope just gets lost in all the stuff that cannot seem to be resolved.  Of course Satan saw it as another opportunity to get right into my head, planting thoughts that don't belong there.  Lies. Telling me that I did not deserve to have another baby because I wasn't a good parent to the 5 I already have.  Amazing how sneaky He can be. What he uses and who to try to break me. 

I know that I need to be conformed by God's will and not have my will conform to what I want God to do with my life. If His will is to leave me in this season of being unhealed then I will remain here, because it is for a purpose.  If His will is to leave my womb empty then I will still praise Him for the incredibly good things He has given.   Am I praying differently and believing that He will rescue me, of course!  Will I still struggle and cry, and at times be unsure of the path He's paved before me~you bet.  But I will take my busted heart and still give Him all the glory.

He is worthy, I am not.  Yet he gave His most precious gift~the blood of Jesus so that I may live this life with Him. 

So, in a nutshell that is where I am and what I am struggling with. If you would like to uplift me in prayer that would be awesome!! I have several Doctor's appointments coming up in the next few weeks and hopefully we can get things turned around! Also, I didn't mention this but I am having some physical issues with my hips and am pretty much unable to run. (That is just another thing the devil is using to keep me away from God.) So, if you could pray about that too and hopefully my physical therapy exercises I was given a few years ago will start helping.  Otherwise that will be another appointment to add to the list!!




For King & Country - Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is dying tonight
And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(Chorus)

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

I am the wandering son
Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love

I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Until it comes to an end
Soon this season will end
I'll surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am