No words, I am simply without words.
Speechless, captured by God's goodness.
Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.
Sweet little Ellery Grace,
You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.
Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy and Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy and Miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, January 27, 2014
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Journey Of A Million Steps
May 2011 our family began a journey we did not ever think we would have to walk through. A positive pregnancy test gave way to the news at the end of June that at 8 weeks the baby had no heartbeat. We continued to walk down the same path in February of 2012 losing a baby at 7 weeks gestation and then again in June of 2012 at 10 weeks.
My heart is not filled with grief most days however, it is filled with thanksgiving for those 3 precious souls that I was blessed to carry, if even for only a short time. The Lord taught me so much through those days, and months to follow. I honestly would go back and do it all over again without hesitation. I am not saying that I do not ache for those precious babies that I never got to meet, because some days I do. In fact when I was decorating for Christmas this year and moving the shadowboxes that each of their ultrasound pictures are in I found myself feeling the heavy weight of so much heartache, grief and loss. Lots of tears were shed that night.
My heart is not filled with grief most days however, it is filled with thanksgiving for those 3 precious souls that I was blessed to carry, if even for only a short time. The Lord taught me so much through those days, and months to follow. I honestly would go back and do it all over again without hesitation. I am not saying that I do not ache for those precious babies that I never got to meet, because some days I do. In fact when I was decorating for Christmas this year and moving the shadowboxes that each of their ultrasound pictures are in I found myself feeling the heavy weight of so much heartache, grief and loss. Lots of tears were shed that night.
The Fall months of 2012 were spent seeing a specialist to make sure that we were not missing something as to why I kept miscarrying. Various tests and labs were done looking for anything that may be the cause. It was a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack, because I had 5 prior healthy pregnancies, but then suffered 3 recurring losses I was in a 5% group of women labled habitual aborter (nice term huh?).
I spent a lot of time in prayer during those months asking the Lord to make HIS will clear. I knew I was so blessed to have 5 children, yet deep inside my heart I yearned for another. I had to let that go. I had to trust that God who has always had my best interest in HIS hand knew what He was doing. I had gone through everything the specialist wanted to look at and I was supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment to go over everything. I really did not have any intention of doing this. I was at peace just letting things be what they would be. However since I paid for all these appointments, invested all that time, I figured seeing as the Doctor invested in me I owed him to listen to what he had to share. Everything looked good, except for one lab that came back slightly off. I would have never known this if I would not have had this appointment. It was a clotting lab and my numbers were not exceptionaly high, but they were not in the normal range either. The fix.....a baby aspirin throughout pregnancy. I would also need to begin progesterone on day 17 of my cycle and continue until a pregnancy test confirmed either I needed to continue or stop. Let me just say, doing that after a few cycles got REALLY old, REALLY fast. It was becoming more science then trusting in God's plan. So, I made a decision to only begin progesterone AFTER I had a test show positive.
During all this time I was not feeling physically well either and knew I needed to find out what was going on before we allowed our family to possibly expand. I actually had been not feeling decent on and off for almost 2 years. Short story....very, very sick gallbladder. It was only functioning at 3%, which the surgeon said is extremely uncommon. (How come everything about me is abnormal????) Decided it needed to come out, so in January 2013 I had surgery to remove it.
Fast forward to May 2013.....garage sale time....sold most of our baby stuff. It was just time to let it go. Let it be a blessing to another family. I cried. I wondered what God was doing. I hadn't had a cycle since March...and pregnancy test after pregnancy test was negative. The day after the sale I decided to take another test.....oh does God have a sense of humor.....it was POSITIVE!!!
I was scared, excited, terrified, overjoyed, amazed, humbled and so thankful. I would need to see the specialist for the first 8 weeks to monitor things. Ultrasounds to check growth....I was AMAZED at what they could see at 6 weeks. I had never had an ultrasound that early. I can remember sitting on the table waiting for the Doctor to come in and being so overwhelmed. I didn't know what to think or feel. I knew my history and was not expecting to see a heartbeat. I think as a way of protecting myself I just planned for the worst.....I honestly did not expect to see the heart fluttering away on that screen. BUT the Lord had other plans that day. Plans to prove me wrong. I am so glad He did!!! Then, he did it again at 8 weeks along, I planned to go in and see no heart activity. Yet there it was!!!
I could go on and on. Still even at 35 weeks along I feel like it's a dream. I know to most people it isn't anything terribly thrilling. I mean we already have 5 kids, so what is the big deal being excited about this baby. Actually people have even made me feel guilty for celebrating this baby, enough so that I rarely have talked about my pregnancy especially on my blog. Rarely have shared what these weeks and months have been like. I could have shared so many things along the way, wanted to share my feelings but didn't want to deal with the critical comments and emails. Remember, I'm an old pregnant mom who has 5 energetic boys to deal with in all this too! =)
It has been a long 2 1/2 years, but God has revealed so much of Himself over this time. He has abundantly blessed over and over. Through mountaintop moments, and long winding valleys, God's character has been displayed over and over. Our family has learned so much during these years, it's been amazing to grow in our faith walk together in all of this.
So now we eagerly wait the arrival of the newest little bundle....sometime after the New Year....
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Pinch Me
I cannot believe I am almost half way through this pregnancy. I had a Doctor's appointment this afternoon and everything looks great. Heart rate was in the 150's and I measure exactly where I should be for almost 20 weeks.
This pregnancy definitely has been probably one of the hardest for me. Not necessarily the physical part (although I was by far the sickest I have ever been with this one). More so it is the emotional part. Having gone through three miscarriages I keep waiting for something to go wrong, instead of rejoicing in each day that things go right.
It's stealing some of the joy out of being pregnant. It's stealing part of the excitement that I have known so many times. I look at the second-hand stores and garage sales for the baby items we are going to need (which seems to be a growing list) and the maternity clothes I will have to have but I just feel so odd actually even purchasing these items.
I think because I have been in a pattern of not being able to stay pregnant I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I actually still am. (I know that sounds really, really weird!) I told my Doctor today it's like I need to pinch myself, over and over to make myself believe that I am indeed still pregnant.
We are ALL looking forward to a new son or daughter, brother or sister in this house. Every time the boys see their baby cousins that is ALL they talk about...that pretty soon we will get to have that in our house. (I'll have to remind them of that when all the baby does is cry!!) =)
My focus needs to shift, back to the place where HOPE lives. The Lord has been so good to us thus far and our trust has always been, and always will be in Him.
This pregnancy definitely has been probably one of the hardest for me. Not necessarily the physical part (although I was by far the sickest I have ever been with this one). More so it is the emotional part. Having gone through three miscarriages I keep waiting for something to go wrong, instead of rejoicing in each day that things go right.
It's stealing some of the joy out of being pregnant. It's stealing part of the excitement that I have known so many times. I look at the second-hand stores and garage sales for the baby items we are going to need (which seems to be a growing list) and the maternity clothes I will have to have but I just feel so odd actually even purchasing these items.
I think because I have been in a pattern of not being able to stay pregnant I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I actually still am. (I know that sounds really, really weird!) I told my Doctor today it's like I need to pinch myself, over and over to make myself believe that I am indeed still pregnant.
We are ALL looking forward to a new son or daughter, brother or sister in this house. Every time the boys see their baby cousins that is ALL they talk about...that pretty soon we will get to have that in our house. (I'll have to remind them of that when all the baby does is cry!!) =)
My focus needs to shift, back to the place where HOPE lives. The Lord has been so good to us thus far and our trust has always been, and always will be in Him.
Monday, June 3, 2013
What's Been Happening
Wow, I have fallen off of the blog bandwagon!! I actually love writing/sharing but honestly barely have enough energy these days to check/reply to emails, toss in a load of laundry, or pack lunches!! The reason behind this current lack of energy could have a little lot to do with this:
I could share all the things that have led up to this moment, but honestly after the comment was made by a facebook 'friend' on a previous blog post last Fall about me having a 'baby addiction' and relating me to 'octomom', I felt my blog was no longer a safe place for me to share anything about the road I was walking.
I think the following excerpt from a book I'm reading could not say what I am feeling any better:
When you live by faith, it often feels like you are risking your reputation. You're not. You're risking God's reputation. It's not your faith that is on the line. It's His faithfulness. Why? Because God is the one who made the promise, and He is the only one who can keep it. The battle doesn't belong to you; it belongs to God. And because the battle doesn't belong to you, neither does the glory. God answers prayer to bring glory to His name, the name that is above all names. {Mark Batterson The Circle Maker}
This baby has been circled in prayer long before the pregnancy test showed positive. God is indeed good and has blessed us with another precious new life. Please continue to pray for this pregnancy, I have made it past the time that two of the previous three miscarriages occurred. Please pray baby continues to grow, so far he/she has been growing well. Measuring exactly where he/she should be for gestational age. I have seen the beautiful heart beating away three different times now!! Last week I was blessed to hear it....178 beats per minute. =) Such a beautiful sound.
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Due January 6, 2014!!!! THANK YOU LORD!
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A few people have been praying for me, even before this pregnancy was announced. I did not think anyone was around enough to care what was going on in my life, let alone be praying for me and my family. To the one person who did care enough to ask what was going on in our little world (and you know who you are) I cannot thank you enough for caring so much about me and knowing me so very well that you asked, and were okay to let me share my journey with you. I love you more than words in a blog post could ever say. To the few of you who were prayer warriors behind the scenes, unknown, THANK YOU!!! I could share all the things that have led up to this moment, but honestly after the comment was made by a facebook 'friend' on a previous blog post last Fall about me having a 'baby addiction' and relating me to 'octomom', I felt my blog was no longer a safe place for me to share anything about the road I was walking.
I think the following excerpt from a book I'm reading could not say what I am feeling any better:
When you live by faith, it often feels like you are risking your reputation. You're not. You're risking God's reputation. It's not your faith that is on the line. It's His faithfulness. Why? Because God is the one who made the promise, and He is the only one who can keep it. The battle doesn't belong to you; it belongs to God. And because the battle doesn't belong to you, neither does the glory. God answers prayer to bring glory to His name, the name that is above all names. {Mark Batterson The Circle Maker}
This baby has been circled in prayer long before the pregnancy test showed positive. God is indeed good and has blessed us with another precious new life. Please continue to pray for this pregnancy, I have made it past the time that two of the previous three miscarriages occurred. Please pray baby continues to grow, so far he/she has been growing well. Measuring exactly where he/she should be for gestational age. I have seen the beautiful heart beating away three different times now!! Last week I was blessed to hear it....178 beats per minute. =) Such a beautiful sound.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
It's A Season, Not A Merry-Go-Round
By now I really shouldn't be surprised all that the Lord knows, sees and understands what is in depths of my heart. Many times I feel like my head is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts, unspoken prayers, unseen moments unknown to anyone around.
Tomorrow I (thankfully) have an appointment with my physical therapist (again). Last year I had to do therapy for hip bursitis~not fun! I had just completed the therapy and had begun to run when I became pregnant, followed 7 weeks later by our 2nd miscarriage. (During those weeks I did very little running.) About the time I picked it back up again, we learned once again we were pregnant and I did no running for the 10 weeks I was pregnant, plus a few weeks additional recovery after we miscarried that pregnancy as well.
So, about half-way through the Summer I finally was able to pick it back up again, and did fairly well until about early Fall. Long story short, I then learned I had to have my gallbladder out and really did not do much running until about a month ago. That's when I began to notice thewonderful ache in my hamstring. I thought it would go away, I prayed it would go away, but it's not and so I think I need to get myself evaluated and hopefully get back to being pain free.
I told Chad today that sometimes (Please read what I wrote... I said sometimes, not all the time.) I feel my life is the same 'ole story, especially the last few years. Clouded by shadows of multiple miscarriages,issues with my body making it difficult to do the things that I love. His reply: I know how you feel, but at least we get to go on this merry-go-round together! I just cannot imagine going on the carousel ride of life with any other man. Next to the good Lord holding me steady, Chad is right there as well, making sure I don't fall off the horse!!! =)
Shortly after Chad and I had that little exchange I received the devotional I posted below in my inbox. Coincidence~~I don't think so!! I had just read the verse that is shared from Jeremiah this morning in my devotional time. I just sat at the counter crying and shaking my head, in amazement and thanksgiving. Life is more about seasons, than merry-go-rounds! I needed that change of perspective today!
I am grateful this day for the ways God communicates with me. How He is intimately aware of what is going on in my life. How He pours out His love and grace in such beautiful ways. I am also thankful for the people that He has placed in my path during my 'seasons'. People with knowledge to help and encourage me when I need it. I am praying for wisdom for my therapist, patience for me, and ultimately healing so I can get back to worshipping along the road.
Giving thanks even in this season of life...
Tomorrow I (thankfully) have an appointment with my physical therapist (again). Last year I had to do therapy for hip bursitis~not fun! I had just completed the therapy and had begun to run when I became pregnant, followed 7 weeks later by our 2nd miscarriage. (During those weeks I did very little running.) About the time I picked it back up again, we learned once again we were pregnant and I did no running for the 10 weeks I was pregnant, plus a few weeks additional recovery after we miscarried that pregnancy as well.
So, about half-way through the Summer I finally was able to pick it back up again, and did fairly well until about early Fall. Long story short, I then learned I had to have my gallbladder out and really did not do much running until about a month ago. That's when I began to notice the
I told Chad today that sometimes (Please read what I wrote... I said sometimes, not all the time.) I feel my life is the same 'ole story, especially the last few years. Clouded by shadows of multiple miscarriages,issues with my body making it difficult to do the things that I love. His reply: I know how you feel, but at least we get to go on this merry-go-round together! I just cannot imagine going on the carousel ride of life with any other man. Next to the good Lord holding me steady, Chad is right there as well, making sure I don't fall off the horse!!! =)
Shortly after Chad and I had that little exchange I received the devotional I posted below in my inbox. Coincidence~~I don't think so!! I had just read the verse that is shared from Jeremiah this morning in my devotional time. I just sat at the counter crying and shaking my head, in amazement and thanksgiving. Life is more about seasons, than merry-go-rounds! I needed that change of perspective today!
I am grateful this day for the ways God communicates with me. How He is intimately aware of what is going on in my life. How He pours out His love and grace in such beautiful ways. I am also thankful for the people that He has placed in my path during my 'seasons'. People with knowledge to help and encourage me when I need it. I am praying for wisdom for my therapist, patience for me, and ultimately healing so I can get back to worshipping along the road.
Giving thanks even in this season of life...
For A Season
Wisdom Hunters Devotional
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Ecclesiastes 3:1
Most everything in life is for a season. Jobs are for a season. Relationships are for a season. Hobbies are for a season. Homes are for a season. Small children and teenagers are for a season. Grandchildren are for a season. Youth is for a season. Economic upturns and downturns are for a season. Family vacations are for a season. Formal education is for a season. Income generating years are for a season. Good health is for a season. Life on earth is for a season.
Perhaps you find yourself in a season within a season. You are eager to move on to a new stage of life, but the Lord still has lessons for you to learn before you transition. Or, you may not want to let go of where you are for fear of what lies ahead in the next chapter of your life. Either way, Jesus will show you the right way, and He will walk with you through the process. So, enjoy this season (do not wish it away), slow down, engage with God and all He wants you to experience.
Even the stork in the sky knows her appointed seasons, and the dove, the swift and the thrush observe the time of their migration. But my people do not know the requirements of the Lord. Jeremiah 8:7
What does the Lord require of you in this season? You have an 18 year span of time for your child to be under your roof and under your direct influence and authority. Now is the time to travel less at work or not at all, so you can be all there for your son or daughter. Moreover, it is stressful as a mom to give 24/7 emotionally, physically and spiritually. But, your sacrificial love carries Christ’s love into the life of your child. Yes, the intensity of parenting is for a season.
Is it time to let go of your role at work? It may be better stewardship for a leader with a different gift mix to be responsible. Don’t wear out your welcome. It's better to transition out on friendly terms than to be forced out in resentment. The peak of your performance is the best time to prepare for a new season of service. Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith. Hold this season with an open hand and your next season will be significant!
Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. Daniel 2:20-21
Prayer: Heavenly Father, give me the patience to enjoy You and others in this season of waiting.
Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith.
Perhaps you find yourself in a season within a season. You are eager to move on to a new stage of life, but the Lord still has lessons for you to learn before you transition. Or, you may not want to let go of where you are for fear of what lies ahead in the next chapter of your life. Either way, Jesus will show you the right way, and He will walk with you through the process. So, enjoy this season (do not wish it away), slow down, engage with God and all He wants you to experience.
Even the stork in the sky knows her appointed seasons, and the dove, the swift and the thrush observe the time of their migration. But my people do not know the requirements of the Lord. Jeremiah 8:7
What does the Lord require of you in this season? You have an 18 year span of time for your child to be under your roof and under your direct influence and authority. Now is the time to travel less at work or not at all, so you can be all there for your son or daughter. Moreover, it is stressful as a mom to give 24/7 emotionally, physically and spiritually. But, your sacrificial love carries Christ’s love into the life of your child. Yes, the intensity of parenting is for a season.
Is it time to let go of your role at work? It may be better stewardship for a leader with a different gift mix to be responsible. Don’t wear out your welcome. It's better to transition out on friendly terms than to be forced out in resentment. The peak of your performance is the best time to prepare for a new season of service. Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith. Hold this season with an open hand and your next season will be significant!
Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. Daniel 2:20-21
Prayer: Heavenly Father, give me the patience to enjoy You and others in this season of waiting.
Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Bittersweet Week
I cannot believe we have arrived at this moment~Chad and I are officially parents of a teenager!!! How and when did that happen??!! Ethan's birth threw us into the wild and crazy blessed world of parenting....and we've never looked back. How non-coincidental that my devotion in my inbox this morning was called 'Empty Nest'....all too quickly I can see the not so distant future and my growing children headed off in their own directions.
We raise them the best we know how with love, discipline, and belief in Jesus Christ. Sometimes they frustrate us by not cleaning their crib (room). Like an animal in a barn, they can be messy and smelly. There are days you want a little peace and quiet because they are angry and loud when fighting with their siblings. But the empty nest is void of noise. The kids are nowhere to be found; so enjoy them while you can.
{Excerpt from Wisdom Hunters; Empty Nest Devotional}
I am so, so blessed and thankful for my overflowing nest!!!! My life is blessed, not burdened by being a parent. I am so grateful that God has given me the most amazing opportunity to be a Mom, and the grace He's given the boys to know I am far from being perfect at it! =)
It is a bittersweet week in our household. We celebrate Ethan's birthday today, and Lucas turns 11 tomorrow. (How cool is that....brothers....born 2 years and 1 day apart??!) We also would have been expecting a baby sometime soon. Tomorrow would have been my due date. We will celebrate birthday's of two of our babies we have gotten to hold on Earth, but also we are going to celebrate the life that God gave our son/daughter, brother/sister. I won't lie, miscarriage is hard. Gut~wrenching hard. But I have seen God's faithfulness over all 3 of our miscarriages, and I am SO thankful for the chance to be used by Him.
Baby # 8~Due Date~January 30,2013
Love and miss you!
God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!
Thank you Lord for life~and abundant life at that!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Too Beautiful For Earth
Baby #6 ~ Due January 19, 2012
I was blessed to carry you for 8 weeks, or 56 days
You were about 1.6cm long and weighed 1 gram
You had eyes, I wonder what color they would have been.
Your brain was growing rapidly and nerve cells were beginning to
branch out and connect with one another.
The tiny tip of your nose was beginning to develop.
Your hands were flexed at the wrist and met over your heart
You had knees~ever so tiny and your legs may have already been long
enough to meet in front of your body.
Baby #7~Due September 15, 2012
I was blessed to carry you for 7 weeks, or 49 days
You grew during this week from 4-5mm to 1/2"!
You weigh as much as an eyelash and
are about the size of a blueberry.
You have elbow joints!!
The arm buds that grew last week now take on
the shape of paddles.
Your heart is divided into right and left chambers
Your appendix and pancreas begin to develop.
Baby #8~Due January 30, 2013
I was blessed to carry you for 9 weeks 6 days, or 69 days
From your ultrasound measurement you were an inch long.
You probably weighed 0.7 ounces.
Your fingers were completely separated and would have had the
beginnings of tiny fingernails.
Your toes were forming and ears were beginning to develop.
You can move
Your beautiful heart was beating away on that ultrasound screen
the day I got to have a 'sneak peek' of you.
It was a miraculous, beautiful,
answer to prayer, joyous thing.
I was pregnant 3 different times, 25 weeks out of 52 this past year. That's 175 days out of 366 (leap year). I would not trade those days, give back those moments, choose to not get pregnant. I would do it all over again...and again...and again. God is a sovereign God~nothing I own is mine. He is in control over all my life~including what is hidden in the secret place of my womb. I cannot take anything to Heaven with me that is on this earth....except the souls of man. If God so ordains that He needs a soul to be conceived in order for it to enter the Kingdom....and my uterus is the place to have it happen, then who am I to say no.
If God has brought something into my life so heart wrenching as this, to only use it to bring Him glory, then so be it. I will say Lord, have your way with me. All of me. I trust in your ultimate plan for each of my days. For all my moments Lord, the incredible times and the times when I feel like I cannot catch my breath. I am not my own....thank you for the gift of life Lord. I do not understand why I've had to walk down this road along with so many others. You see my tears but at the same time you see how it's pushed me into you. I never want to be out of your grasp.....kiss our babies for us....until we meet one day in the sky you will always be carried in my heart.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Someday I'll Know Your Name
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made
Isaiah 43:7
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you
Jeremiah 1:5
Someday we will meet and I will know your name....remembering you
sweet baby on what was to be your due date. Thankful for
the 49 days you grew inside of me. We love you!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Life
Life has certainly been a whirlwind these past few weeks. We thoroughly enjoyed our 2 + weeks camping at the Conference Grounds. Our family absolutely LOVES that place!! Here's a video of various pictures taken over our time there.
When I worked there one of my many jobs was Children's Activities Director. I grew to absolutely love that part of my job. I was a very quiet, shy person back then (I know....very hard to believe that one huh??!!) But doing that job definitely made me have to come out of my 'shell'. I still remember having to announce my first activity over the campground speaker....talk about being completely freaked out!!! Hearing your voice going out over the whole entire campground was definitely a strange thing....that thankfully I got used to very quickly.
I was very, very blessed to have been asked to help lead a few of the activities while we were camping out there. I had a great time...and oh how the memories of six amazing Summers came flooding back! (I even got to announce the activities...just like old times). =)
I realized though just how much older I am than the last time I did a wagon ride....just look at the pictures!!! Fifteen years ago was the last time I had done one...I had less wrinkles, no grey hair, and no cottage cheese thighs. I also could get up and out of the wagon without any aches and pains....not so much this time around!!
School is back in full force, the boys seem to be back in the swing of things. Getting back into their routines both in and out of school. I just cannot believe how fast Summer seemed to fly by this year. Faster than ever I think!!
I am having a hard week this week. I thought I'd be able to be strong(er) as I approach what was to be our due date with baby #7, but I'll admit it's not that easy. In fact I've been trying to write a blog post for the past several days but my mind is just all over the place and I cannot pluck the right words out of my head. I'm a jumbled mix of emotions and feelings that simply many cannot understand.
When I worked there one of my many jobs was Children's Activities Director. I grew to absolutely love that part of my job. I was a very quiet, shy person back then (I know....very hard to believe that one huh??!!) But doing that job definitely made me have to come out of my 'shell'. I still remember having to announce my first activity over the campground speaker....talk about being completely freaked out!!! Hearing your voice going out over the whole entire campground was definitely a strange thing....that thankfully I got used to very quickly.
I was very, very blessed to have been asked to help lead a few of the activities while we were camping out there. I had a great time...and oh how the memories of six amazing Summers came flooding back! (I even got to announce the activities...just like old times). =)
I realized though just how much older I am than the last time I did a wagon ride....just look at the pictures!!! Fifteen years ago was the last time I had done one...I had less wrinkles, no grey hair, and no cottage cheese thighs. I also could get up and out of the wagon without any aches and pains....not so much this time around!!
School is back in full force, the boys seem to be back in the swing of things. Getting back into their routines both in and out of school. I just cannot believe how fast Summer seemed to fly by this year. Faster than ever I think!!
I am having a hard week this week. I thought I'd be able to be strong(er) as I approach what was to be our due date with baby #7, but I'll admit it's not that easy. In fact I've been trying to write a blog post for the past several days but my mind is just all over the place and I cannot pluck the right words out of my head. I'm a jumbled mix of emotions and feelings that simply many cannot understand.
I have had so many comments the last several weeks by people who have learned of our story of 3 miscarriages this year and they've quite clearly shared their opinion(s) of what they think I should be feeling or how to proceed. All I can say to those people is 1) those comments hurt deeply 2) it is between Chad & I and my Doctor to determine what is in our best interest and 3) We're NOT ready to give up on what God can will do. 4) We would much rather have your prayers laid upon us, than your opinions.
We have never, ever at any time tried to have 'another' one because we feel gypped that we didn't get that girl yet. We do not want to have another one because we are not grateful enough for the 5 children God has given to us. We do not want another baby because we are such perfect parents (do you hear me laughing!!!) and deserve it.
We simply do not deserve anything we have, it is all from our Father above. We are so, so blessed. I look at my life and cannot thank God enough for what He's given to me. But yes, we still would absolutely love to welcome another little life into our arms.
So, if I could ask one thing of the people that know our family and love us. Simply pray for us, and if you don't have anything nice to say then just don't say it.
Some of you know about the appointment I have coming up....please pray specifically for the time I will be meeting with the Doctor. Pray for him to ask the 'right' questions in the short time we will have together. Pray for my ability to remember anything he really needs to know. I feel like so much has gone on in the last 12 months and he doesn't know any of my history so it's up to me to get it out of my head and into his....and just maybe he will have some idea of how to proceed with me.
I am complex!!! =)
Thank you for being a part of my life, for your encouragement. Most of all thank you for uplifting us to a most Holy God. A God who knows the rest of the story...and continues to reveal it in His time.
Thank you for being a part of my life, for your encouragement. Most of all thank you for uplifting us to a most Holy God. A God who knows the rest of the story...and continues to reveal it in His time.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Blessed Are The Tears
Romans 8:25-27
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Blessed are the tears that fall
Clean the windows of the soul
And usher in a change of heart
Clean the windows of the soul
And usher in a change of heart
Bring a joy that angels know
Blessed are the tears that fall
That wash the stains of life away
Forgiven and forgotten now
A new creation's here to stay
God will send a merciful Peacemaker
Comforter of all of those who mourn
We'll become the pure in heart, the earthly meek
Enduring misdirected scorn
Blessed are the tears that fall
Blessed are the tears that fall
That wash the stains of life away
Forgiven and forgotten now
A new creation's here to stay
God will send a merciful Peacemaker
Comforter of all of those who mourn
We'll become the pure in heart, the earthly meek
Enduring misdirected scorn
Blessed are the tears that fall
Blessed are the tears that fall..........my tears....struggling today....
Thankful for God's unending grace.
Thankful for God's unending grace.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Me
I need to apologize for not updating my blog since our miscarriage and subsequent surgery. Last week was just a whirlwind of trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what to do about it.
The D&C went very well. Out of the three I've had this year this one went the best. I think my Doctor expected me to have a complication free recovery. Well, I am not a 'typical' patient...that has become extremely evident in the past 12 months! =) I had major, major issues last week with blood clots of all things. I will spare all the really disgusting details, but it certainly was a most unpleasant experience for sure.
Thank you for all your continued prayers and concern for my family and myself. I know many have wondered how I'm doing. Physically I think I'm on the mend....although each day I hold my breath just waiting for the next crazy thing to go wrong. Emotionally I know I'm coming into a really, really difficult week. Last week I had to concentrate on taking care of my body. I've been very weepy today so I know what is ahead. Hormones having a hay day, my heart aching for the baby I won't get to know.
I am sad. But, at the same time I have such a peace and a hope. That can only be explained by God's presence in my life. He does not occupy just one little corner of it, He owns all of it. This life simply is not my own. If you're wondering how someone could lose their life to someone they have never seen with their own eyes, I wonder how someone cannot. I could never walk this journey without knowing Christ.
I love this quote by Pastor Steven Furtick:
The D&C went very well. Out of the three I've had this year this one went the best. I think my Doctor expected me to have a complication free recovery. Well, I am not a 'typical' patient...that has become extremely evident in the past 12 months! =) I had major, major issues last week with blood clots of all things. I will spare all the really disgusting details, but it certainly was a most unpleasant experience for sure.
Thank you for all your continued prayers and concern for my family and myself. I know many have wondered how I'm doing. Physically I think I'm on the mend....although each day I hold my breath just waiting for the next crazy thing to go wrong. Emotionally I know I'm coming into a really, really difficult week. Last week I had to concentrate on taking care of my body. I've been very weepy today so I know what is ahead. Hormones having a hay day, my heart aching for the baby I won't get to know.
I am sad. But, at the same time I have such a peace and a hope. That can only be explained by God's presence in my life. He does not occupy just one little corner of it, He owns all of it. This life simply is not my own. If you're wondering how someone could lose their life to someone they have never seen with their own eyes, I wonder how someone cannot. I could never walk this journey without knowing Christ.
I love this quote by Pastor Steven Furtick:
Real old school faith believes that God can,
and expects that He will,
but trusts Him even if He doesn't.
That is how I want to live my life! I am so, so thankful that I am HIS child. I trust Him with my yesterdays, today and all of my tomorrows.
Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and thoughts! We are indeed BLESSED!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Numbness And Tears
Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers for our family. We appreciate them so much! We have such amazing, loving friends and family!! Today's feeling can best be described as numbness mixed with tears. To be honest I think part of that is because I still was in such excited awe that I was pregnant, and now I'm just not quite sure where to go with the feelings that I am not. (Of course it isn't made any easier by the fact I still feel extremely pregnant). It probably didn't help much either that yesterday after my ultrasound while walking out of the hospital there were two pregnant women and a husband and wife just leaving with their newborn. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night our T.V. was still on and a rerun of the Today Show was on and they were playing some pregnancy quiz game. Seriously???!! That just HAD to be on at 2:30 in the morning??? Today I had to run to the grocery store....won't even tell you how many tiny babies I saw.
Today I was thinking how awesome it is that in the midst of all this great grief we're going through God answered a specific prayer. He gave me the gift of seeing my precious child's heartbeat on that ultrasound screen Monday. Oh how knowing what I know now I wish I could go back and stare at it for just a little while longer. What a sweet and blessed gift those few moments were though and I'm so grateful He gave them to me. I am also very thankful that I had a formal ultrasound to check measurements just two days later and learned the news then. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have known for another month.
Tomorrow my surgery is scheduled for 11am. The other two D & C's went fine but recovery for the weeks following were both extremely different and very long. The OB that our Doctor has been consulting with will also be involved with the surgery tomorrow to see if we can lessen the issues I seem to have after the prodcedure.
As of now we are at a complete loss as to why this has happened a third time. I was on progesterone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, just in case a deficiency was the problem. I have had bloodwork done after the last miscarriage to rule out issues with me and everything had come back normal.
Growing a baby is such an intracite process it really is an amazing miracle we have had 5 healthy boys. One little 'glitch' and the Mother's body in most cases knows life won't continue outside the womb so it abruptly ends. Many times, even in recurrent miscarriages a cause is never found. I am at higher risk for miscarriage because of my age, and with each one the risk increases of having another.
We have known those stats all along, but still trust in a sovereign God who has ways that are not our own. Yesterday, today and tomorrow....
Today I was thinking how awesome it is that in the midst of all this great grief we're going through God answered a specific prayer. He gave me the gift of seeing my precious child's heartbeat on that ultrasound screen Monday. Oh how knowing what I know now I wish I could go back and stare at it for just a little while longer. What a sweet and blessed gift those few moments were though and I'm so grateful He gave them to me. I am also very thankful that I had a formal ultrasound to check measurements just two days later and learned the news then. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have known for another month.
Tomorrow my surgery is scheduled for 11am. The other two D & C's went fine but recovery for the weeks following were both extremely different and very long. The OB that our Doctor has been consulting with will also be involved with the surgery tomorrow to see if we can lessen the issues I seem to have after the prodcedure.
As of now we are at a complete loss as to why this has happened a third time. I was on progesterone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, just in case a deficiency was the problem. I have had bloodwork done after the last miscarriage to rule out issues with me and everything had come back normal.
Growing a baby is such an intracite process it really is an amazing miracle we have had 5 healthy boys. One little 'glitch' and the Mother's body in most cases knows life won't continue outside the womb so it abruptly ends. Many times, even in recurrent miscarriages a cause is never found. I am at higher risk for miscarriage because of my age, and with each one the risk increases of having another.
We have known those stats all along, but still trust in a sovereign God who has ways that are not our own. Yesterday, today and tomorrow....
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
The Highest Of Highs To The Lowest Of Lows
As most of you know our family was expecting baby # 6, after two consecutive miscarriages this year. Monday I went in for my first prenatal visit and things looked very well, I even saw little bean's heart fluttering away on the ultrasound screen. We were absolutely THRILLED and so THANKFUL to God for this new little life.
We were unsure however of exactly how far along I was so I had to go for a formal ultrasound today for measurements. I was a little apprehensive for this appointment because I woke up and was spotting just a little. Still, I had every confidence to believe that everything would look great. However, that was not the case. Sometime between Monday afternoon and today baby's heart stopped beating.
Our family is devastated. This is exactly the same time frame as our first miscarriage last Summer. Add to that I saw a heartbeat just 48 hours ago, something I never saw with the other two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I am so heartbroken and do not understand why this has happened again to me, to our family.
I know the next days/weeks will be hard. The emotional toll of a third miscarriage, plus hormones bouncing all over the place will make things difficult. I know without a doubt this pregnancy was still part of God's master plan for me (and our family), and somehow giving another one up before I even got to hold him or her is part of it too. Now is not the time for me to dig a hole, crawl in it and forget who I am in Christ. My faith is bigger than any circumstance than life can throw in our path. I will choose to live no other way. I will choose for my children and husband to see me live no other way, because it is what I believe with my whole heart.
If you could please continue to pray us through, we need it, I need it more than ever.
Much Love from our family,
Chad, Jen & boys
We were unsure however of exactly how far along I was so I had to go for a formal ultrasound today for measurements. I was a little apprehensive for this appointment because I woke up and was spotting just a little. Still, I had every confidence to believe that everything would look great. However, that was not the case. Sometime between Monday afternoon and today baby's heart stopped beating.
Our family is devastated. This is exactly the same time frame as our first miscarriage last Summer. Add to that I saw a heartbeat just 48 hours ago, something I never saw with the other two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I am so heartbroken and do not understand why this has happened again to me, to our family.
I know the next days/weeks will be hard. The emotional toll of a third miscarriage, plus hormones bouncing all over the place will make things difficult. I know without a doubt this pregnancy was still part of God's master plan for me (and our family), and somehow giving another one up before I even got to hold him or her is part of it too. Now is not the time for me to dig a hole, crawl in it and forget who I am in Christ. My faith is bigger than any circumstance than life can throw in our path. I will choose to live no other way. I will choose for my children and husband to see me live no other way, because it is what I believe with my whole heart.
If you could please continue to pray us through, we need it, I need it more than ever.
Much Love from our family,
Chad, Jen & boys
 |
| Baby # 8 resting in the arms of Jesus I love you sweet baby!!! |
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Never Expected This
Little did I know when I wrote this post, God was about to do something amazing in the lives of our family.
NO WAY was I ever expecting this:
NO WAY was I ever expecting this:
But there is already more to this story:
I was having some pain in the side of my abdomen early on so I went for blood work to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). I didn't hear anything back from the Doctor for 2 weeks so I assumed the levels looked good. Until this week when I was in with Caleb for his well-child was I informed that in fact my levels did not increase at all like they were supposed to have done.
So I had another blood test, and left the office completely devestated that I never knew things did not look good~and Chad and I prepared ourselves for a third miscarriage.
But then I got this phone call...the Doctor called and left a message yesterday for me (that I had to listen to a dozen times) that said my blood test looked very, very encouraging and he'd see me at my initial appointment, in a few weeks. PRAISE GOD!!!
So, we are thanking God for this miracle and asking our friends and family to join with us bolding praying that our little one will grow well and we will see a little flutter on that ultrasound screen!! We have complete faith that sometime in early 2013 we will be holding our sweet little son or daughter in our arms.
Thank you for praying in faith along with us for this new little life. We are overjoyed at the things we've already seen God do!
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
I've seen MIRACLES just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what FAITH can do.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
My Gifts
I've been dropping 'hints' all week to the boys reminding them of what day is coming up. Every time I say "you know what day it is on Sunday", they look at me with BIG smiles and say SHOUT "Mother's Day"!! A day to celebrate Mom...all we are....all we do.
While I enjoy the celebration that comes along with Mother's Day, what I love even more is the pure gift I have been given by God to be a Mom. I want to celebrate the who of why I have that title! Not once, but five times with babies living here on Earth with me and two babies in Heaven. I do not deserve anything more than what my salvation, through the blood of Christ has secured for me....but the Lord saw fit to bless me beyond anything I could have ever hoped for, wished for, prayed for.
I love being a Mom more than anything else in the world. It's all I ever wanted to do....honestly. That does not mean I do not have days that I want to pull every single hair out of my head, or go lock myself in my room and cry because I just do not feel like I have a handle on this 'title' God has given to me. There are many, many moments like that....but for all those 'few' moments of heartache there are a million more JOYS!!! I cannot give God enough thank yous in my entire lifetime for what He has blessed me with.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What Is On My Mind
I absolutely cannot listen to this song without crying every single time. Most of you who read my blog regularly know that our family has experienced not one, but two consecutive miscarriages.
One year ago we didn't even know it yet that I was expecting baby # 6...little did we know what the months ahead would hold. It has been a little over 2 months since we found out we lost baby #7. I haven't really shared much about how I'm doing like I did after our first miscarriage. Nobody really asks...and I'm not just going to open up and share standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Lots of thoughts running around in my head. My body is doing crazy things trying to find its way back to 'normal'. (You can laugh at that....I know there is nothing normal about me!) =) When you keep being reminded that your body isn't working right it makes the emotional healing feel like an endless journey.
You know how when you get a new vehicle you may be thinking that not too many people drive the same thing....that is until you own one and start seeing them all over the place. That's the way it's been lately for me with adorable pregnant bellies. They are ALL OVER the place. When I see one I feel joy and sadness all at the same time~it's crazy! I miss the fact that I won't get to have one of those large bellies to try to squeeze into a maternity bathing suit this Summer. I miss the fact that I am sitting here feeling my tummy grumble due to hunger, rather than fluttering due to those sweet little kicks of my son or daughter's feet. I miss sitting next to Chad at night laughing at the names he's picked out and is certain I will LOVE all of them. I miss those prenatal visits and hearing the thud on the doppler of the heartbeat.
I will miss not giving birth to you my child. I will miss waiting for those first smiles, rolling over, sitting up and those first wobbly steps. I will miss those quiet late night feedings (and I feel bad for ever complaining about them with your brothers!!) I will miss not watching you interact with your brothers and find your place among our family. I will miss so many things about not having you here on earth with me, but I cannot even begin to imagine all you are experiencing in Glory. I am so thankful that God created you for HIS purpose and until I get to run up and hold you in Heaven I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life here on earth.
I miss you my precious babies....but I love you and I trust in God's plan and I'm so thankful that He chose me to carry you....if even for only a little while.
I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"
Lyrics:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
[Chorus]
One year ago we didn't even know it yet that I was expecting baby # 6...little did we know what the months ahead would hold. It has been a little over 2 months since we found out we lost baby #7. I haven't really shared much about how I'm doing like I did after our first miscarriage. Nobody really asks...and I'm not just going to open up and share standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Lots of thoughts running around in my head. My body is doing crazy things trying to find its way back to 'normal'. (You can laugh at that....I know there is nothing normal about me!) =) When you keep being reminded that your body isn't working right it makes the emotional healing feel like an endless journey.
You know how when you get a new vehicle you may be thinking that not too many people drive the same thing....that is until you own one and start seeing them all over the place. That's the way it's been lately for me with adorable pregnant bellies. They are ALL OVER the place. When I see one I feel joy and sadness all at the same time~it's crazy! I miss the fact that I won't get to have one of those large bellies to try to squeeze into a maternity bathing suit this Summer. I miss the fact that I am sitting here feeling my tummy grumble due to hunger, rather than fluttering due to those sweet little kicks of my son or daughter's feet. I miss sitting next to Chad at night laughing at the names he's picked out and is certain I will LOVE all of them. I miss those prenatal visits and hearing the thud on the doppler of the heartbeat.
I will miss not giving birth to you my child. I will miss waiting for those first smiles, rolling over, sitting up and those first wobbly steps. I will miss those quiet late night feedings (and I feel bad for ever complaining about them with your brothers!!) I will miss not watching you interact with your brothers and find your place among our family. I will miss so many things about not having you here on earth with me, but I cannot even begin to imagine all you are experiencing in Glory. I am so thankful that God created you for HIS purpose and until I get to run up and hold you in Heaven I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life here on earth.
I miss you my precious babies....but I love you and I trust in God's plan and I'm so thankful that He chose me to carry you....if even for only a little while.
I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"
Lyrics:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
[Chorus]
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Hurt And The Healer
I absolutely love, love, love this song. It fits my life right now so amazingly well.
...Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide...
Saturday, March 10, 2012
To Think About You
We think about you and your brother or sister often . We wonder what it is like to worship God Almighty, and we must admit that we're a bit jealous you already have met Jesus!!! We can only imagine the incredible place that Heaven must be.
Even though we only were able to celebrate you growing inside my tummy for a very few short weeks, we fell in love with you. We were all so excited to meet you, and take care of you. To watch you grow and be a part of our family. We know that God's will is not our own and while we do not understand His ways, we trust in Him completely.
Until we get to meet you, have fun running on the streets of gold with your brother or sister. We miss you, we will always love you, and you will forever remain in our hearts.
Even though we only were able to celebrate you growing inside my tummy for a very few short weeks, we fell in love with you. We were all so excited to meet you, and take care of you. To watch you grow and be a part of our family. We know that God's will is not our own and while we do not understand His ways, we trust in Him completely.
Until we get to meet you, have fun running on the streets of gold with your brother or sister. We miss you, we will always love you, and you will forever remain in our hearts.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sometimes He Comes In The Clouds
How am I?
Do you really want to know? Do I really want to share my heart?
Honestly, I don't know how I'm doing. (Let me stress this does not mean I do not know WHO I am, or WHOSE perfect will I am being held in). Many of the hours this past week have been spent doing what I always am doing...Mom stuff. But then there are moments that I suddenly get caught up in what just happened again to my heart, to my body and I just weep.
Second miscarriage definitely more difficult than the first. It was much easier the first time around to fully believe that it was random, most likely a chromosome abnormality. After our first miscarriage I had this hope inside of me that it happened for reasons only God knew and I would still be able to become pregnant again with a healthy pregnancy. This time though, I feel like it's somehow more my fault and less of some random occurrence. Maybe because they both occurred at almost the same gestational time as one another? Maybe because I've read that the chance of having a second miscarriage is extremely low, and to have another that is caused by a genetic problem is even lower.
How many things in life though cause us to have questions and no answers? After all, God is God and we are not, so there are just some things we will never know, understand or comprehend on this side of Heaven. Praise God my faith follows me into the dark, shadowy places of life.
I think the hardest part this time around is the hope that has been shattered. Scattered into too many pieces to find and be put back together....on my own. I have to rely on God to find them all and put them back into place. To know that while our prayer for another baby was answered only briefly, that God gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name. (Did you read that Satan???)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Strong Enough
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
(Strong Enough~Matthew West)
I do not have to have a repeat blood test tomorrow morning. We are no longer concerned about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy in addition to the intrauterine pregnancy. I am scheduled for surgery at 10:45 tomorrow morning.
Today was hard. I still feel incredibly sick and I'm very exhausted. The reality of knowing there is no longer any reason behind feeling that way made the day seem very long.
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