Thursday, June 28, 2012

Numbness And Tears

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers for our family. We appreciate them so much! We have such amazing, loving friends and family!! Today's feeling can best be described as numbness mixed with tears. To be honest I think part of that is because I still was in such excited awe that I was pregnant, and now I'm just not quite sure where to go with the feelings that I am not.  (Of course it isn't made any easier by the fact I still feel extremely pregnant). It probably didn't help much either that yesterday after my ultrasound while walking out of the hospital there were two pregnant women and a husband and wife just leaving with their newborn. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night our T.V. was still on and a rerun of the Today Show was on and they were playing some pregnancy quiz game.  Seriously???!!  That just HAD to be on at 2:30 in the morning???  Today I had to run to the grocery store....won't even tell you how many tiny babies I saw. 

Today I was thinking how awesome it is that in the midst of all this great grief we're going through God answered a specific prayer. He gave me the gift of seeing my precious child's heartbeat on that ultrasound screen Monday. Oh how knowing what I know now I wish I could go back and stare at it for just a little while longer. What a sweet and blessed gift those few moments were though and I'm so grateful He gave them to me. I am also very thankful that I had a formal ultrasound to check measurements just two days later and learned the news then.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have known for another month.

Tomorrow my surgery is scheduled for 11am. The other two D & C's went fine but recovery for the weeks following were both extremely different and very long. The OB that our Doctor has been consulting with will also be involved with the surgery tomorrow to see if we can lessen the issues I seem to have after the prodcedure.

As of now we are at a complete loss as to why this has happened a third time.  I was on progesterone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, just in case a deficiency was the problem. I have had bloodwork done after the last miscarriage to rule out issues with me and everything had come back normal.

Growing a baby is such an intracite process it really is an amazing miracle we have had 5 healthy boys. One little 'glitch' and the Mother's body in most cases knows life won't continue outside the womb so it abruptly ends. Many times, even in recurrent miscarriages a cause is never found. I am at higher risk for miscarriage because of my age, and with each one the risk increases of having another.

We have known those stats all along, but still trust in a sovereign God who has ways that are not our own. Yesterday, today and tomorrow....

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Highest Of Highs To The Lowest Of Lows

As most of you know our family was expecting baby # 6, after two consecutive miscarriages this year. Monday I went in for my first prenatal visit and things looked very well, I even saw little bean's heart fluttering away on the ultrasound screen. We were absolutely THRILLED and so THANKFUL to God for this new little life.

We were unsure however of exactly how far along I was so I had to go for a formal ultrasound today for measurements. I was a little apprehensive for this appointment because I woke up and was spotting just a little.  Still, I had every confidence to believe that everything would look great.  However, that was not the case.  Sometime between Monday afternoon and today baby's heart stopped beating.

Our family is devastated. This is exactly the same time frame as our first miscarriage last Summer.  Add to that I saw a heartbeat just 48 hours ago, something I never saw with the other two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I am so heartbroken and do not understand why this has happened again to me, to our family.

I know the next days/weeks will be hard. The emotional toll of a third miscarriage, plus hormones bouncing all over the place will make things difficult.  I know without a doubt this pregnancy was still part of God's master plan for me (and our family), and somehow giving another one up before I even got to hold him or her is part of it too.  Now is not the time for me to dig a hole, crawl in it and forget who I am in Christ. My faith is bigger than any circumstance than life can throw in our path. I will choose to live no other way. I will choose for my children and husband to see me live no other way, because it is what I believe with my whole heart. 

If you could please continue to pray us through, we need it, I need it more than ever.

Much Love from our family,
Chad, Jen & boys

Baby # 8 resting in the arms of Jesus
I love you sweet baby!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Never Expected This

Little did I know when I wrote this post, God was about to do something amazing in the lives of our family.

NO WAY was I ever expecting this:

But there is already more to this story:

I was having some pain in the side of my abdomen early on so I went for blood work to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). I didn't hear anything back from the Doctor for 2 weeks so I assumed the levels looked good.  Until this week when I was in with Caleb for his well-child was I informed that in fact my levels did not increase at all like they were supposed to have done.

So I had another blood test, and left the office completely devestated that I never knew things did not look good~and Chad and I prepared ourselves for a third miscarriage.

But then I got this phone call...the Doctor called and left a message yesterday for me (that I had to listen to a dozen times) that said my blood test looked very, very encouraging and he'd see me at my initial appointment, in a few weeks.  PRAISE GOD!!!

So, we are thanking God for this miracle and asking our friends and family to join with us bolding praying that our little one will grow well and we will see a little flutter on that ultrasound screen!! We have complete faith that sometime in early 2013 we will be holding our sweet little son or daughter in our arms.

Thank you for praying in faith along with us for this new little life. We are overjoyed at the things we've already seen God do!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
I've seen MIRACLES just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what FAITH can do.