Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What Is On My Mind

I absolutely cannot listen to this song without crying every single time. Most of you who read my blog regularly know that our family has experienced not one, but two consecutive miscarriages.

One year ago we didn't even know it yet that I was expecting baby # 6...little did we know what the months ahead would hold. It has been a little over 2 months since we found out we lost baby #7. I haven't really shared much about how I'm doing like I did after our first miscarriage. Nobody really asks...and I'm not just going to open up and share standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Lots of thoughts running around in my head.  My body is doing crazy things trying to find its way back to 'normal'.  (You can laugh at that....I know there is nothing normal about me!) =)  When you keep being reminded that your body isn't working right it makes the emotional healing feel like an endless journey.

You know how when you get a new vehicle you may be thinking that not too many people drive the same thing....that is until you own one and start seeing them all over the place.  That's the way it's been lately for me with adorable pregnant bellies. They are ALL OVER the place. When I see one I feel joy and sadness all at the same time~it's crazy!  I miss the fact that I won't get to have one of those large bellies to try to squeeze into a maternity bathing suit this Summer. I miss the fact that I am sitting here feeling my tummy grumble due to hunger, rather than fluttering due to those sweet little kicks of my son or daughter's feet. I miss sitting next to Chad at night laughing at the names he's picked out and is certain I will LOVE all of them. I miss those prenatal visits and hearing the thud on the doppler of the heartbeat.

I will miss not giving birth to you my child. I will miss waiting for those first smiles, rolling over, sitting up and those first wobbly steps. I will miss those quiet late night feedings (and I feel bad for ever complaining about them with your brothers!!)  I will miss not watching you interact with your brothers and find your place among our family. I will miss so many things about not having you here on earth with me, but I cannot even begin to imagine all you are experiencing in Glory. I am so thankful that God created you for HIS purpose and until I get to run up and hold you in Heaven I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life here on earth.

I miss you my precious babies....but I love you and I trust in God's plan and I'm so thankful that He chose me to carry you....if even for only a little while.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"


There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

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