It's A Season, Not A Merry-Go-Round

By now I really shouldn't be surprised all that the Lord knows, sees and understands what is in depths of my heart. Many times I feel like my head is just a bunch of jumbled thoughts, unspoken prayers, unseen moments unknown to anyone around. 

Tomorrow I (thankfully) have an appointment with my physical therapist (again). Last year I had to do therapy for hip bursitis~not fun! I had just completed the therapy and had begun to run when I became pregnant,  followed 7 weeks later by our 2nd miscarriage. (During those weeks I did very little running.) About the time I picked it back up again, we learned once again we were pregnant and I did no running for the 10 weeks I was pregnant, plus a few weeks additional recovery after we miscarried that pregnancy as well.

So, about half-way through the Summer I finally was able to pick it back up again, and did fairly well until about early Fall. Long story short, I then learned I had to have my gallbladder out and really did not do much running until about a month ago. That's when I began to notice the wonderful ache in my hamstring. I thought it would go away, I prayed it would go away, but it's not and so I think I need to get myself evaluated and hopefully get back to being pain free.

I told Chad today that sometimes (Please read what I wrote... I said sometimes, not all the time.) I feel my life is the same 'ole story, especially the last few years. Clouded by shadows of multiple miscarriages,issues with my body making it difficult to do the things that I love. His reply: I know how you feel, but at least we get to go on this merry-go-round together! I just cannot imagine going on the carousel ride of life with any other man. Next to the good Lord holding me steady, Chad is right there as well, making sure I don't fall off the horse!!! =)

Shortly after Chad and I had that little exchange I received the devotional I posted below in my inbox. Coincidence~~I don't think so!! I had just read the verse that is shared from Jeremiah this morning in my devotional time. I just sat at the counter crying and shaking my head, in amazement and thanksgiving. Life is more about seasons, than merry-go-rounds! I needed that change of perspective today!

I am grateful this day for the ways God communicates with me. How He is intimately aware of what is going on in my life. How He pours out His love and grace in such beautiful ways. I am also thankful for the people that He has placed in my path during my 'seasons'.  People with knowledge to help and encourage me when I need it. I am praying for wisdom for my therapist, patience for me, and ultimately healing so I can get back to worshipping along the road.

Giving thanks even in this season of life...

 

For A Season

Wisdom Hunters Devotional

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Most everything in life is for a season. Jobs are for a season. Relationships are for a season. Hobbies are for a season. Homes are for a season. Small children and teenagers are for a season. Grandchildren are for a season. Youth is for a season. Economic upturns and downturns are for a season. Family vacations are for a season. Formal education is for a season. Income generating years are for a season. Good health is for a season. Life on earth is for a season.

Perhaps you find yourself in a season within a season. You are eager to move on to a new stage of life, but the Lord still has lessons for you to learn before you transition. Or, you may not want to let go of where you are for fear of what lies ahead in the next chapter of your life. Either way, Jesus will show you the right way, and He will walk with you through the process. So, enjoy this season (do not wish it away), slow down, engage with God and all He wants you to experience.

Even the stork in the sky knows her appointed seasons, and the dove, the swift and the thrush observe the time of their migration. But my people do not know the requirements of the Lord. Jeremiah 8:7

What does the Lord require of you in this season? You have an 18 year span of time for your child to be under your roof and under your direct influence and authority. Now is the time to travel less at work or not at all, so you can be all there for your son or daughter. Moreover, it is stressful as a mom to give 24/7 emotionally, physically and spiritually. But, your sacrificial love carries Christ’s love into the life of your child. Yes, the intensity of parenting is for a season.

Is it time to let go of your role at work? It may be better stewardship for a leader with a different gift mix to be responsible. Don’t wear out your welcome. It's better to transition out on friendly terms than to be forced out in resentment. The peak of your performance is the best time to prepare for a new season of service. Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith. Hold this season with an open hand and your next season will be significant!

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. Daniel 2:20-21

Prayer: Heavenly Father, give me the patience to enjoy You and others in this season of waiting.

Wisdom watches for the winds of change and rides them on the wings of faith.

Life

Life has certainly been a whirlwind these past few weeks.  We thoroughly enjoyed our 2 + weeks camping at the Conference Grounds.  Our family absolutely LOVES that place!!  Here's a video of various pictures taken over our time there.

When I worked there one of my many jobs was Children's Activities Director. I grew to absolutely love that part of my job. I was a very quiet, shy person back then (I know....very hard to believe that one huh??!!) But doing that job definitely made me have to come out of my 'shell'.  I still remember having to announce my first activity over the campground speaker....talk about being completely freaked out!!!  Hearing your voice going out over the whole entire campground was definitely a strange thing....that thankfully I got used to very quickly.

I was very, very blessed to have been asked to help lead a few of the activities while we were camping out there.  I had a great time...and oh how the memories of six amazing Summers came flooding back!  (I even got to announce the activities...just like old times). =)

I realized though just how much older I am than the last time I did a wagon ride....just look at the pictures!!!  Fifteen years ago was the last time I had done one...I had less wrinkles, no grey hair, and no cottage cheese thighs. I also could get up and out of the wagon without any aches and pains....not so much this time around!!   

 

 

School is back in full force, the boys seem to be back in the swing of things. Getting back into their routines both in and out of school. I just cannot believe how fast Summer seemed to fly by this year. Faster than ever I think!!

I am having a hard week this week. I thought I'd be able to be strong(er) as I approach what was to be our due date with baby #7, but I'll admit it's not that easy. In fact I've been trying to write a blog post for the past several days but my mind is just all over the place and I cannot pluck the right words out of my head. I'm a jumbled mix of emotions and feelings that simply many cannot understand.

I have had so many comments the last several weeks by people who have learned of our story of 3 miscarriages this year and they've quite clearly shared their opinion(s) of what they think I should be feeling or how to proceed. All I can say to those people is 1) those comments hurt deeply 2) it is between Chad & I and my Doctor to determine what is in our best interest and 3) We're NOT ready to give up on what God can will do. 4) We would much rather have your prayers laid upon us, than your opinions.

 

We have never, ever at any time tried to have 'another' one because we feel gypped that we didn't get that girl yet. We do not want to have another one because we are not grateful enough for the 5 children God has given to us. We do not want another baby because we are such perfect parents (do you hear me laughing!!!) and deserve it.

 

We simply do not deserve anything we have, it is all from our Father above. We are so, so blessed. I look at my life and cannot thank God enough for what He's given to me. But yes, we still would absolutely love to welcome another little life into our arms. So, if I could ask one thing of the people that know our family and love us. Simply pray for us, and if you don't have anything nice to say then just don't say it.

 

Some of you know about the appointment I have coming up....please pray specifically for the time I will be meeting with the Doctor. Pray for him to ask the 'right' questions in the short time we will have together. Pray for my ability to remember anything he really needs to know. I feel like so much has gone on in the last 12 months and he doesn't know any of my history so it's up to me to get it out of my head and into his....and just maybe he will have some idea of how to proceed with me. I am complex!!! =)

Thank you for being a part of my life, for your encouragement. Most of all thank you for uplifting us to a most Holy God. A God who knows the rest of the story...and continues to reveal it in His time.

Saucepan And Spoons

Today I went to my favorite second hand store in search of a saucepan and spoons. We never have enough clean spoons in the drawer-ever!! Plus, I need a new saucepan for our trailer as I noticed the last time we went camping the teflon is flaking off. I really don't want any extra 'flavoring' in my spaghetti sauce!! I didn't find either of the things that were on my list, but I did find something that God had sitting on a shelf just for me!

If you know anything about me at all, you know I have a little addiction to music. =) Okay....honestly if I were stranded on an island and could have one thing in addition to water, a Bible and an endless supply of batteries, I would pick music. So, you know I can't leave Revive without quickly checking out the CD's. I found this CD by 33 Miles. I was looking at the song titles on the back and the last one is titled Worth The Wait.  I wanted to take out the jacket to read the words. Of course the jacket was somehow all stuck together and I couldn't get it pulled apart without wrecking the paper.

So I bought it, not having any clue what the song said...but with no doubt God was clearly letting me know I needed to hear it. I took it home, popped it in my kitchen radio and played track #10. 

THIS is what I heard....

Busted Heart

The first time I heard this song last week I was hooked right from the title.  Busted heart?  Yup, been there. Still there. Will be there again many times as I live my life out on earth, caught up in God's saving grace. I think that many people think Christians live in this bubble where life is perfect, and when it's not we certainly never dare admit it!!  We most certainly better never admit to struggling, questioning, doubting. Being angry, hurt, admitting that we are selfish and flawed.  That we struggle with the enemy every single day.

God's grace is so much bigger than all of that.  ALL. OF. IT.

The Greatness of God is so much bigger than All. Of. Me.

Today was just a weird day. I know I haven't shared many specific details of how things have been since the loss of our baby this Summer.  My body just is having a very hard time healing and getting regulated. There are several issues that are ongoing and the days are beginning to get long.  Of all things I had to go in to the Doctors office for a pregnancy test today. While I knew it would be negative I must admit I did, for a brief moment (ok...several moments) entertain the idea that maybe...just maybe it would be positive?  And wouldn't that be just like God to do something that incredibly huge in my life, because right now I sincerely doubt if we will ever be blessed with another pregnancy. Sometimes my hope just gets lost in all the stuff that cannot seem to be resolved.  Of course Satan saw it as another opportunity to get right into my head, planting thoughts that don't belong there.  Lies. Telling me that I did not deserve to have another baby because I wasn't a good parent to the 5 I already have.  Amazing how sneaky He can be. What he uses and who to try to break me. 

I know that I need to be conformed by God's will and not have my will conform to what I want God to do with my life. If His will is to leave me in this season of being unhealed then I will remain here, because it is for a purpose.  If His will is to leave my womb empty then I will still praise Him for the incredibly good things He has given.   Am I praying differently and believing that He will rescue me, of course!  Will I still struggle and cry, and at times be unsure of the path He's paved before me~you bet.  But I will take my busted heart and still give Him all the glory.

He is worthy, I am not.  Yet he gave His most precious gift~the blood of Jesus so that I may live this life with Him. 

So, in a nutshell that is where I am and what I am struggling with. If you would like to uplift me in prayer that would be awesome!! I have several Doctor's appointments coming up in the next few weeks and hopefully we can get things turned around! Also, I didn't mention this but I am having some physical issues with my hips and am pretty much unable to run. (That is just another thing the devil is using to keep me away from God.) So, if you could pray about that too and hopefully my physical therapy exercises I was given a few years ago will start helping.  Otherwise that will be another appointment to add to the list!!




For King & Country - Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is dying tonight
And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(Chorus)

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

I am the wandering son
Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love

I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Until it comes to an end
Soon this season will end
I'll surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am

Finding Rest

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8

My favorite place.

When I'm Empty

Faith will find a way.