Not Good Enough

"All I wanted to do was run up there and rescue him." 17 years ago those were the words someone said to me right after my wedding ceremony. No hugs, no congratulations, no I'm so happy for you both. Only words spoken with such a clear message that I was not, and would not ever be "good enough". I remember standing in the back of the Church being so incredibly happy, yet having been told that, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails just a tiny bit.

I have learned something over these past 17 years, that person was right. I am not good enough~and no matter how much I try to be the most amazing wife I will fail 100% in some way every single day. But something else I have learned is marriage isn't about being perfect, marriage is about being vulnerable, and honest and transparent and ugly. Marriage is about figuring out how to be less of me, more of him. Marriage is about leaping out of an airplane with a parachute on and trusting your partner to know when to pull the cord to open up that chute!

Marriage is hard. Marriage is messy. Marriage is imperfection, quite possibly at its best.

However, marriage is also about the most incredible love I have ever known next to God's love. It about laughter, and incredible joy. It's warm hugs on cold days. It is jumping into the deep end of the pool and treading in the water together. It's figuring out who we are over the years and what matters.

It's faith, in a God that is so much greater then we will ever comprehend or understand. Yet, we choose to trust our entire lives to Him. It's grace given to one another, just as it has been given to us. It's the very picture of forgiveness poured out from our Savior, dying on that cross for us.

It is truly the best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. I am so thankful that I am loved within my imperfections. I would give nothing back, trade nothing, wish for different. I am beyond grateful for my best friend, my soul mate, my partner in this messy thing we call life.

I will love him always~thank you for making the last 17 years forever beautiful.

Beautiful Grace

No words, I am simply without words.

Speechless, captured by God's goodness.

Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.

Sweet little Ellery Grace,

You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.

Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.

What's Been Happening

Wow, I have fallen off of the blog bandwagon!! I actually love writing/sharing but honestly barely have enough energy these days to check/reply to emails, toss in a load of laundry, or pack lunches!! The reason behind this current lack of energy could have a little lot to do with this:

Due January 6, 2014!!!! THANK YOU LORD!



A few people have been praying for me, even before this pregnancy was announced. I did not think anyone was around enough to care what was going on in my life, let alone be praying for me and my family. To the one person who did care enough to ask what was going on in our little world (and you know who you are) I cannot thank you enough for caring so much about me and knowing me so very well that you asked, and were okay to let me share my journey with you. I love you more than words in a blog post could ever say. To the few of you who were prayer warriors behind the scenes, unknown, THANK YOU!!!

I could share all the things that have led up to this moment, but honestly after the comment was made by a facebook 'friend' on a previous blog post last Fall about me having a 'baby addiction' and relating me to 'octomom', I felt my blog was no longer a safe place for me to share anything about the road I was walking.

 I think the following excerpt from a book I'm reading could not say what I am feeling any better:

When you live by faith, it often feels like you are risking your reputation. You're not. You're risking God's reputation. It's not your faith that is on the line. It's His faithfulness. Why? Because God is the one who made the promise, and He is the only one who can keep it. The battle doesn't belong to you; it belongs to God. And because the battle doesn't belong to you, neither does the glory. God answers prayer to bring glory to His name, the name that is above all names. {Mark Batterson The Circle Maker}

This baby has been circled in prayer long before the pregnancy test showed positive. God is indeed good and has blessed us with another precious new life. Please continue to pray for this pregnancy, I have made it past the time that two of the previous three miscarriages occurred. Please pray baby continues to grow, so far he/she has been growing well. Measuring exactly where he/she should be for gestational age. I have seen the beautiful heart beating away three different times now!! Last week I was blessed to hear it....178 beats per minute.  =)  Such a beautiful sound.

Long Overdue Update

Our family has been super busy over these past several weeks.  School, Church, Birthday celebrations have consumed much of our lives lately!  I cannot believe we are in the middle of the month of February already.  It's so nice to see the mornings are brighter earlier and the evenings staying lighter longer.

The biggest happening in the life of our family:

Due to arrive September 15.....or so

We are THRILLED and very, very thankful to God for this blessing!!!

The reaction when we told the boys the news was priceless.  I put the big brother shirt on Caleb and told the big boys that Caleb had something to tell them.  As he walked out into the living room Wesley and Ethan saw him first and immediately burst into tears of joy. Lucas had a smile that consumed his entire face. Jackson was trying to read Caleb's shirt and after Chad told him what it said he turned to me and said "Mom, God answered the prayer I pray every single day".

We have known about this pregnancy since the first few weeks I was pregnant.  I had to go in to the Doctor for another issue and had a feeling I could be pregnant.  I swore I saw a second line on a test I had taken (of course I had to look at it from a hundred different angles, in all kinds of light) but I wasn't sure it was not just my mind just playing a trick on me.  =)  So, we did a blood test. That came back at a level that was inconclusive and I had to go back 4 days later for another test.  IT CAME BACK POSITIVE!!!!  Keeping it a secret from everybody for 8 weeks was painfully difficult!

I've been feeling blah and very, very tired.  I can eat one thing a certain day and then the next day can't even stand to look at it.  Trying to plan weekly menus has been fun. I try to go with meals that are easy and can be changed depending on the day.

We are all extremely grateful for this blessing and looking forward to watching my belly grow over the next several months!!  What an amazing, incredible gift we have been given!

And now to go take a nap......

Oh BaBy!!!!

By now I'm guessing that most of my blog readers know our BIG news....but just in case you don't....

BaBy # 6 is on its way~~sometime in January!!

We are thrilled, excited, and SO thankful to God for this answer to prayer.  A prayer we have prayed for a long time...it has been a journey. 

Thank you Lord, for the waiting room and for saying YES!!!! 

To be continued....when I'm not so tired!!!  (So...maybe in 20 years~HA!!)      =)



Just The Right Words

Answer To Prayer ~ Trace Balin

So many people
Will be down on their knees tonight

Seeking directions
For which road to choose
Or strength for the fight
And when they rise up
Trust in His word
Standin', believin'
Their prayer has been heard
Their eyes will open wide
For a sign they may see

Like a light in the darkness
A song in the night
Just the right words
At just the right time
Tomorrow, today
You may be someone's answer to prayer

The very moment
We are willing to say "here I am"
We step out of our happenstance world
Into His perfect plan
Where nothing's left
To chance or to whim
People to people
Is where it begins
To be His voice of hope
Or the touch of His hand

So when I'm out of touch
I'm missing twice as much
The blessings He has for me
That keep me true to His will
Always faithful and still
Somebody waits for me

Chosen to carry anytime, anywhere
A message from heaven the Lord has prepared
Tomorrow, today
You may be someone's answer to prayer

People to people is where it begins
Today, right now you are their answer

Because Love Never Fails
Sometimes The Answer Comes When You Let Go

Let Go and Let God

"If it isn't broken, don't fix it". So, what do you do when something is broken, you've tried to 'fix' it but it just isn't working? A friendship that has been such a big part of my life is broken, to be quite honest it's dead. Over the past many months I have just kept putting my blinders on. Day after day I would keep telling myself that "they're just really busy right now". "They will call to get together" but no phone call has come. I have tried to 'fix' things but apparently my 'repairs' are futile.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to let it go. Maybe because I went through one of the deepest, darkest times in my life with these people and I thought they were really some of the best friends I could have ever been blessed to have. Maybe because they have been a part of my life for so long. First as amazing friends doing things together with just us adults, and then adding all of our children into the mix. Maybe it is because I need them, and want them to be a part of my life but they're not interested and I just have such a hard time believing we're done.

The signs have been there for a long time, I have just been unwilling to admit to them.  To realize I am no longer a part their lives, no longer needed as a friend breaks my heart. I will just be a causal acquaintance saying a sweet 'hello' as we pass in the halls at school, or in the aisles of a neighborhood store.

I don't know what God's plan is for the future but I need to give the control up to Him now. I realize the joy has been in the journey shared with these wonderful people over these past many, many years. To know that loving is Never for nothing. I need to rest assured that I love them, I was blessed to have them be a part of my life and the life of my family. I won't ever give up on them, but I will let go and let God because I think that is the only way my heart will heal.