Pinch Me

I cannot believe I am almost half way through this pregnancy. I had a Doctor's appointment this afternoon and everything looks great. Heart rate was in the 150's and I measure exactly where I should be for almost 20 weeks.

This pregnancy definitely has been probably one of the hardest for me. Not necessarily the physical part (although I was by far the sickest I have ever been with this one). More so it is the emotional part.  Having gone through three miscarriages I keep waiting for something to go wrong, instead of rejoicing in each day that things go right. 

It's stealing some of the joy out of being pregnant. It's stealing part of the excitement that I have known so many times. I look at the second-hand stores and garage sales for the baby items we are going to need (which seems to be a growing list) and the maternity clothes I will have to have but I just feel so odd actually even purchasing these items.

I think because I have been in a pattern of not being able to stay pregnant I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I actually still am. (I know that sounds really, really weird!) I told my Doctor today it's like I need to pinch myself, over and over to make myself believe that I am indeed still pregnant.

We are ALL looking forward to a new son or daughter, brother or sister in this house. Every time the boys see their baby cousins that is ALL they talk about...that pretty soon we will get to have that in our house. (I'll have to remind them of that when all the baby does is cry!!)  =)

My focus needs to shift, back to the place where HOPE lives. The Lord has been so good to us thus far and our trust has always been, and always will be in Him.

Saucepan And Spoons

Today I went to my favorite second hand store in search of a saucepan and spoons. We never have enough clean spoons in the drawer-ever!! Plus, I need a new saucepan for our trailer as I noticed the last time we went camping the teflon is flaking off. I really don't want any extra 'flavoring' in my spaghetti sauce!! I didn't find either of the things that were on my list, but I did find something that God had sitting on a shelf just for me!

If you know anything about me at all, you know I have a little addiction to music. =) Okay....honestly if I were stranded on an island and could have one thing in addition to water, a Bible and an endless supply of batteries, I would pick music. So, you know I can't leave Revive without quickly checking out the CD's. I found this CD by 33 Miles. I was looking at the song titles on the back and the last one is titled Worth The Wait.  I wanted to take out the jacket to read the words. Of course the jacket was somehow all stuck together and I couldn't get it pulled apart without wrecking the paper.

So I bought it, not having any clue what the song said...but with no doubt God was clearly letting me know I needed to hear it. I took it home, popped it in my kitchen radio and played track #10. 

THIS is what I heard....

Me

I need to apologize for not updating my blog since our miscarriage and subsequent surgery. Last week was just a whirlwind of trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what to do about it.

The D&C went very well. Out of the three I've had this year this one went the best. I think my Doctor expected me to have a complication free recovery. Well, I am not a 'typical' patient...that has become extremely evident in the past 12 months! =) I had major, major issues last week with blood clots of all things. I will spare all the really disgusting details, but it certainly was a most unpleasant experience for sure.

Thank you for all your continued prayers and concern for my family and myself. I know many have wondered how I'm doing. Physically I think I'm on the mend....although each day I hold my breath just waiting for the next crazy thing to go wrong. Emotionally I know I'm coming into a really, really difficult week. Last week I had to concentrate on taking care of my body. I've been very weepy today so I know what is ahead. Hormones having a hay day, my heart aching for the baby I won't get to know.

I am sad. But, at the same time I have such a peace and a hope. That can only be explained by God's presence in my life. He does not occupy just one little corner of it, He owns all of it. This life simply is not my own. If you're wondering how someone could lose their life to someone they have never seen with their own eyes, I wonder how someone cannot. I could never walk this journey without knowing Christ.

I love this quote by Pastor Steven Furtick:

Real old school faith believes that God can,

and expects that He will,

but trusts Him even if He doesn't. 

That is how I want to live my life! I am so, so thankful that I am HIS child. I trust Him with my yesterdays, today and all of my tomorrows.

Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and thoughts! We are indeed BLESSED!!

Never Expected This

Little did I know when I wrote this post, God was about to do something amazing in the lives of our family.

NO WAY was I ever expecting this:

But there is already more to this story:

I was having some pain in the side of my abdomen early on so I went for blood work to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). I didn't hear anything back from the Doctor for 2 weeks so I assumed the levels looked good.  Until this week when I was in with Caleb for his well-child was I informed that in fact my levels did not increase at all like they were supposed to have done.

So I had another blood test, and left the office completely devestated that I never knew things did not look good~and Chad and I prepared ourselves for a third miscarriage.

But then I got this phone call...the Doctor called and left a message yesterday for me (that I had to listen to a dozen times) that said my blood test looked very, very encouraging and he'd see me at my initial appointment, in a few weeks.  PRAISE GOD!!!

So, we are thanking God for this miracle and asking our friends and family to join with us bolding praying that our little one will grow well and we will see a little flutter on that ultrasound screen!! We have complete faith that sometime in early 2013 we will be holding our sweet little son or daughter in our arms.

Thank you for praying in faith along with us for this new little life. We are overjoyed at the things we've already seen God do!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.

I've seen MIRACLES just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what FAITH can do.

What Is On My Mind

I absolutely cannot listen to this song without crying every single time. Most of you who read my blog regularly know that our family has experienced not one, but two consecutive miscarriages.

One year ago we didn't even know it yet that I was expecting baby # 6...little did we know what the months ahead would hold. It has been a little over 2 months since we found out we lost baby #7. I haven't really shared much about how I'm doing like I did after our first miscarriage. Nobody really asks...and I'm not just going to open up and share standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Lots of thoughts running around in my head.  My body is doing crazy things trying to find its way back to 'normal'.  (You can laugh at that....I know there is nothing normal about me!) =)  When you keep being reminded that your body isn't working right it makes the emotional healing feel like an endless journey.

You know how when you get a new vehicle you may be thinking that not too many people drive the same thing....that is until you own one and start seeing them all over the place.  That's the way it's been lately for me with adorable pregnant bellies. They are ALL OVER the place. When I see one I feel joy and sadness all at the same time~it's crazy!  I miss the fact that I won't get to have one of those large bellies to try to squeeze into a maternity bathing suit this Summer. I miss the fact that I am sitting here feeling my tummy grumble due to hunger, rather than fluttering due to those sweet little kicks of my son or daughter's feet. I miss sitting next to Chad at night laughing at the names he's picked out and is certain I will LOVE all of them. I miss those prenatal visits and hearing the thud on the doppler of the heartbeat.

I will miss not giving birth to you my child. I will miss waiting for those first smiles, rolling over, sitting up and those first wobbly steps. I will miss those quiet late night feedings (and I feel bad for ever complaining about them with your brothers!!)  I will miss not watching you interact with your brothers and find your place among our family. I will miss so many things about not having you here on earth with me, but I cannot even begin to imagine all you are experiencing in Glory. I am so thankful that God created you for HIS purpose and until I get to run up and hold you in Heaven I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life here on earth.

I miss you my precious babies....but I love you and I trust in God's plan and I'm so thankful that He chose me to carry you....if even for only a little while.

 
I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
by Selah
from the album "You Deliver Me"

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
[Chorus]

The Hurt And The Healer

I absolutely love, love, love this song.  It fits my life right now so amazingly well.

...Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide...

Everything Good

This song brought tears to my eyes this morning.  
God is SO incredibly good.  All the time.  I don't have to look very far to see that in all things, each moment of my life He is in complete control. He wraps me up and holds me close. I don't see the big picture, but He does! Oh how glorious that I am able to walk in the shadow of His grace.

You are EVERYTHING GOOD LORD!!

Busted Heart

The first time I heard this song last week I was hooked right from the title.  Busted heart?  Yup, been there. Still there. Will be there again many times as I live my life out on earth, caught up in God's saving grace. I think that many people think Christians live in this bubble where life is perfect, and when it's not we certainly never dare admit it!!  We most certainly better never admit to struggling, questioning, doubting. Being angry, hurt, admitting that we are selfish and flawed.  That we struggle with the enemy every single day.

God's grace is so much bigger than all of that.  ALL. OF. IT.

The Greatness of God is so much bigger than All. Of. Me.

Today was just a weird day. I know I haven't shared many specific details of how things have been since the loss of our baby this Summer.  My body just is having a very hard time healing and getting regulated. There are several issues that are ongoing and the days are beginning to get long.  Of all things I had to go in to the Doctors office for a pregnancy test today. While I knew it would be negative I must admit I did, for a brief moment (ok...several moments) entertain the idea that maybe...just maybe it would be positive?  And wouldn't that be just like God to do something that incredibly huge in my life, because right now I sincerely doubt if we will ever be blessed with another pregnancy. Sometimes my hope just gets lost in all the stuff that cannot seem to be resolved.  Of course Satan saw it as another opportunity to get right into my head, planting thoughts that don't belong there.  Lies. Telling me that I did not deserve to have another baby because I wasn't a good parent to the 5 I already have.  Amazing how sneaky He can be. What he uses and who to try to break me. 

I know that I need to be conformed by God's will and not have my will conform to what I want God to do with my life. If His will is to leave me in this season of being unhealed then I will remain here, because it is for a purpose.  If His will is to leave my womb empty then I will still praise Him for the incredibly good things He has given.   Am I praying differently and believing that He will rescue me, of course!  Will I still struggle and cry, and at times be unsure of the path He's paved before me~you bet.  But I will take my busted heart and still give Him all the glory.

He is worthy, I am not.  Yet he gave His most precious gift~the blood of Jesus so that I may live this life with Him. 

So, in a nutshell that is where I am and what I am struggling with. If you would like to uplift me in prayer that would be awesome!! I have several Doctor's appointments coming up in the next few weeks and hopefully we can get things turned around! Also, I didn't mention this but I am having some physical issues with my hips and am pretty much unable to run. (That is just another thing the devil is using to keep me away from God.) So, if you could pray about that too and hopefully my physical therapy exercises I was given a few years ago will start helping.  Otherwise that will be another appointment to add to the list!!




For King & Country - Busted Heart (Hold On To Me)

Winter has come back again
Feels like the season won't end
My faith is dying tonight
And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(Chorus)

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

I am the wandering son
Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love

I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go
Don't ever let me go

Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me
Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Until it comes to an end
Soon this season will end
I'll surrender tonight
You meet me right where I am

Finding Rest

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8

My favorite place.

The Test Of My Hope

Ever since we lost our baby, I have felt an extreme test of my faith. Bigger than any test I've ever faced....and I have faced HUGE tests over the course of the last several years. If any of you who read my blog go to Wellspring you may have heard PG's sermon on being sifted. Specifically, he asked if Satan still has access to God. The answer to that is yes. Pastor Gary also talked about how if you are growing in Christ that you are going to be sifted.  Let me just say there is some serious sifting going on within me. (This is an incredibly amazing, GOOD thing!)  Thank you Lord for sifting me!!!!

Here I am, 6 weeks after my D & C...still having complications that I just do not understand. I am overwhelmed with uncertainty, frustration, weariness. I want so much to be hopeful and trust fully in my creator that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.  This morning as I was doing my devotions I had a moment of doubt.... that my faith is not deep enough to see God's power in my circumstances.

Then, as if God picked out the verse himself for me to read this morning:

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. ~Psalm 42:5-6~

I then read the exact same verse in Psalm 42: 11 and Psalm 43: 5! At the same time as I was reading, I was listening to my latest favorite song that talks about having hope in the Lord all the day long. Not being shaken by drought or storm. Waiting on the Lord because He is my refuge. Can you guess what happened next?  Yup....tears. Tears of thankfulness for God's gentle voice whispering to me.


Satan wants to steal my hope. Satan wants to steal my faith. Satan wants to steal my joy. He wants me to FAIL. THE. TEST.

Well, sorry to disappoint you Satan, but my hope, faith, and joy is found, and will always be found in Christ my Savior. I may doubt because I am created imperfect, but you will never win.  Ever!

I have absolutely NO doubts that God is going to heal what needs to be healed and do something amazing in our lives.

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.



Hope

Hope

to desire something with confident expectation of its fulfillment

My hope is in you Lord...

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8

I will wait on you...
We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20