Not Good Enough

"All I wanted to do was run up there and rescue him." 17 years ago those were the words someone said to me right after my wedding ceremony. No hugs, no congratulations, no I'm so happy for you both. Only words spoken with such a clear message that I was not, and would not ever be "good enough". I remember standing in the back of the Church being so incredibly happy, yet having been told that, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails just a tiny bit.

I have learned something over these past 17 years, that person was right. I am not good enough~and no matter how much I try to be the most amazing wife I will fail 100% in some way every single day. But something else I have learned is marriage isn't about being perfect, marriage is about being vulnerable, and honest and transparent and ugly. Marriage is about figuring out how to be less of me, more of him. Marriage is about leaping out of an airplane with a parachute on and trusting your partner to know when to pull the cord to open up that chute!

Marriage is hard. Marriage is messy. Marriage is imperfection, quite possibly at its best.

However, marriage is also about the most incredible love I have ever known next to God's love. It about laughter, and incredible joy. It's warm hugs on cold days. It is jumping into the deep end of the pool and treading in the water together. It's figuring out who we are over the years and what matters.

It's faith, in a God that is so much greater then we will ever comprehend or understand. Yet, we choose to trust our entire lives to Him. It's grace given to one another, just as it has been given to us. It's the very picture of forgiveness poured out from our Savior, dying on that cross for us.

It is truly the best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. I am so thankful that I am loved within my imperfections. I would give nothing back, trade nothing, wish for different. I am beyond grateful for my best friend, my soul mate, my partner in this messy thing we call life.

I will love him always~thank you for making the last 17 years forever beautiful.

Beautiful Grace

No words, I am simply without words.

Speechless, captured by God's goodness.

Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.

Sweet little Ellery Grace,

You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.

Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.

Journey Of A Million Steps

May 2011 our family began a journey we did not ever think we would have to walk through.  A positive pregnancy test gave way to the news at the end of June that at 8 weeks the baby had no heartbeat. We continued to walk down the same path in February of 2012 losing a baby at 7 weeks gestation and then again in  June of 2012 at 10 weeks. 

My heart is not filled with grief most days however, it is filled with thanksgiving for those 3 precious souls that I was blessed to carry, if even for only a short time.  The Lord taught me so much through those days, and months to follow. I honestly would go back and do it all over again without hesitation. I am not saying that I do not ache for those precious babies that I never got to meet, because some days I do. In fact when I was decorating for Christmas this year and moving the shadowboxes that each of their ultrasound pictures are in I found myself feeling the heavy weight of so much heartache, grief and loss. Lots of tears were shed that night.





 

The Fall months of 2012 were spent seeing a specialist to make sure that we were not missing something as to why I kept miscarrying. Various tests and labs were done looking for anything that may be the cause. It was a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack, because I had 5 prior healthy pregnancies, but then suffered 3 recurring losses I was in a 5%  group of women labled habitual aborter (nice term huh?).

 

I spent a lot of time in prayer during those months asking the Lord to make HIS will clear. I knew I was so blessed to have 5 children, yet deep inside my heart I yearned for another. I had to let that go. I had to trust that God who has always had my best interest in HIS hand knew what He was doing. I had gone through everything the specialist wanted to look at and I was supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment to go over everything. I really did not have any intention of doing this. I was at peace just letting things be what they would be. However since I paid for all these appointments, invested all that time, I figured seeing as the Doctor invested in me I owed him to listen to what he had to share. Everything looked good, except for one lab that came back slightly off. I would have never known this if I would not have had this appointment.  It was a clotting lab and my numbers were not exceptionaly high, but they were not in the normal range either. The fix.....a baby aspirin throughout pregnancy. I would also need to begin progesterone on day 17 of my cycle and continue until a pregnancy test confirmed either I needed to continue or stop. Let me just say, doing that after a few cycles got REALLY old, REALLY fast. It was becoming more science then trusting in God's plan. So, I made a decision to only begin progesterone AFTER I had a test show positive.

 

During all this time I was not feeling physically well either and knew I needed to find out what was going on before we allowed our family to possibly expand. I actually had been not feeling decent on and off for almost 2 years.  Short story....very, very sick gallbladder. It was only functioning at 3%, which the surgeon said is extremely uncommon. (How come everything about me is abnormal????)  Decided it needed to come out, so in January 2013 I had surgery to remove it.

 

Fast forward to May 2013.....garage sale time....sold most of our baby stuff. It was just time to let it go. Let it be a blessing to another family. I cried. I wondered what God was doing. I hadn't had a cycle since March...and pregnancy test after pregnancy test was negative.  The day after the sale I decided to take another test.....oh does God have a sense of humor.....it was POSITIVE!!!

 

I was scared, excited, terrified, overjoyed, amazed, humbled and so thankful. I would need to see the specialist for the first 8 weeks to monitor things. Ultrasounds to check growth....I was AMAZED at what they could see at 6 weeks. I had never had an ultrasound that early. I can remember sitting on the table waiting for the Doctor to come in and being so overwhelmed. I didn't know what to think or feel. I knew my history and was not expecting to see a heartbeat. I think as a way of protecting myself I just planned for the worst.....I honestly did not expect to see the heart fluttering away on that screen. BUT the Lord had other plans that day. Plans to prove me wrong.  I am so glad He did!!!  Then, he did it again at 8 weeks along, I planned to go in and see no heart activity. Yet there it was!!!

 

I could go on and on. Still even at 35 weeks along I feel like it's a dream. I know to most people it isn't anything terribly thrilling. I mean we already have 5 kids, so what is the big deal being excited about this baby. Actually people have even made me feel guilty for celebrating this baby, enough so that I rarely have talked about my pregnancy especially on my blog. Rarely have shared what these weeks and months have been like. I could have shared so many things along the way, wanted to share my feelings but didn't want to deal with the critical comments and emails. Remember, I'm an old pregnant mom who has 5 energetic boys to deal with in all this too! =)

 

It has been a long 2 1/2 years, but God has revealed so much of Himself  over this time. He has abundantly blessed over and over. Through mountaintop moments, and long winding valleys, God's character has been displayed over and over. Our family has learned so much during these years, it's been amazing to grow in our faith walk together in all of this.

 

So now we eagerly wait the arrival of the newest little bundle....sometime after the New Year....

 

 

 





Bittersweet Week

I cannot believe we have arrived at this moment~Chad and I are officially parents of a teenager!!! How and when did that happen??!! Ethan's birth threw us into the wild and crazy blessed world of parenting....and we've never looked back. How non-coincidental that my devotion in my inbox this morning was called 'Empty Nest'....all too quickly I can see the not so distant future and my growing children headed off in their own directions.

 

We raise them the best we know how with love, discipline, and belief in Jesus Christ. Sometimes they frustrate us by not cleaning their crib (room). Like an animal in a barn, they can be messy and smelly. There are days you want a little peace and quiet because they are angry and loud when fighting with their siblings. But the empty nest is void of noise. The kids are nowhere to be found; so enjoy them while you can. {Excerpt from Wisdom Hunters; Empty Nest Devotional}

 

 

I am so, so blessed and thankful for my overflowing nest!!!! My life is blessed, not burdened by being a parent. I am so grateful that God has given me the most amazing opportunity to be a Mom, and the grace He's given the boys to know I am far from being perfect at it! =) 

 

 

It is a bittersweet week in our household. We celebrate Ethan's birthday today, and Lucas turns 11 tomorrow.  (How cool is that....brothers....born 2 years and 1 day apart??!) We also would have been expecting a baby sometime soon. Tomorrow would have been my due date. We will celebrate birthday's of two of our babies we have gotten to hold on Earth, but also we are going to celebrate the life that God gave our son/daughter, brother/sister. I won't lie, miscarriage is hard. Gut~wrenching hard. But I have seen God's faithfulness over all 3 of our miscarriages, and I am SO thankful for the chance to be used by Him.

 

Baby # 8~Due Date~January 30,2013

 

Love and miss you!

 

 

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

Thank you Lord for life~and abundant life at that!

 

 



 

 



Out With The Old

I cannot believe we are coming to the close of another year. I blinked and 2012 has become almost a distant memory!! When I was out for my run yesterday I was flashing back through some memories of this past year.  I think one of the most amazing memories I had was spending the day at The Big Ticket festival in June with my sister. Worshipping under the stars with Chris Tomlin singing How Great Is Our God was an indescribable moment! 

It has been a year with blessings, sadness, joys, heartache. It's been a year that we have grown in our faith as individuals but also as a family. I have witnessed what it means to have a child-like faith through each of our boys. Sometimes they simply take my breath away and make my heart overflow with love for how they approach life. Their heart felt, humble prayers may seem so simple, but yet they have taught me so much.

My hope and prayer for you is that you find in Christ a hope and purpose for each day. He can take your tests and make them into testimonies. He can take your sorrows and give you comfort, peace and even joy. He can take your messy days and make them into moments to glorify Him and give Him praise. If I have learned anything about the character traits of God over the past year it is that He is indeed a God of faithfulness and grace.

The top three viewed posts of my blog this past year were:

Never Expected This

Life

The Highest Of Highs To The Lowest Of Lows

 

Looking forward to what God is going to write in the pages of our lives in the coming year.....it is indeed a blessed journey!!!

 

 

Happy New Year To You!!!

 

 

 



Too Beautiful For Earth

In October 1988, Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  "When a child loses a parents, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Baby #6 ~ Due January 19, 2012

I was blessed to carry you for 8 weeks, or 56 days

You were about 1.6cm long and weighed 1 gram

You had eyes, I wonder what color they would have been. 

Your brain was growing rapidly and nerve cells were beginning to

branch out and connect with one another.

The tiny tip of your nose was beginning to develop.

Your hands were flexed at the wrist and met over your heart

You had knees~ever so tiny and your legs may have already been long

enough to meet in front of your body.

 

Baby #7~Due September 15, 2012

I was blessed to carry you for 7 weeks, or 49 days

You grew during this week from 4-5mm to 1/2"!

You weigh as much as an eyelash and

are about the size of a blueberry.

You have elbow joints!!

The arm buds that grew last week now take on

the shape of paddles.

Your heart is divided into right and left chambers

Your appendix and pancreas begin to develop.

 

Baby #8~Due January 30, 2013

I was blessed to carry you for 9 weeks 6 days, or 69 days

From your ultrasound measurement you were an inch long.

You probably weighed 0.7 ounces.

Your fingers were completely separated and would have had the

beginnings of tiny fingernails. 

Your toes were forming and ears were beginning to develop.

You can move

Your beautiful heart was beating away on that ultrasound screen

the day I got to have a 'sneak peek' of you.

It was a miraculous, beautiful,

answer to prayer, joyous thing.

 

 

I was pregnant 3 different times, 25 weeks out of 52 this past year. That's 175 days out of 366 (leap year). I would not trade those days, give back those moments, choose to not get pregnant. I would do it all over again...and again...and again.  God is a sovereign God~nothing I own is mine. He is in control over all my life~including what is hidden in the secret place of my womb.  I cannot take anything to Heaven with me that is on this earth....except the souls of man.  If God so ordains that He needs a soul to be conceived in order for it to enter the Kingdom....and my uterus is the place to have it happen, then who am I to say no. 

 

If God has brought something into my life so heart wrenching as this, to only use it to bring Him glory, then so be it.  I will say Lord, have your way with me.  All of me. I trust in your ultimate plan for each of my days. For all my moments Lord, the incredible times and the times when I feel like I cannot catch my breath. I am not my own....thank you for the gift of life Lord. I do not understand why I've had to walk down this road along with so many others. You see my tears but at the same time you see how it's pushed me into you.  I never want to be out of your grasp.....kiss our babies for us....until we meet one day in the sky you will always be carried in my heart.

 

Never Expected This

Little did I know when I wrote this post, God was about to do something amazing in the lives of our family.

NO WAY was I ever expecting this:

But there is already more to this story:

I was having some pain in the side of my abdomen early on so I went for blood work to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). I didn't hear anything back from the Doctor for 2 weeks so I assumed the levels looked good.  Until this week when I was in with Caleb for his well-child was I informed that in fact my levels did not increase at all like they were supposed to have done.

So I had another blood test, and left the office completely devestated that I never knew things did not look good~and Chad and I prepared ourselves for a third miscarriage.

But then I got this phone call...the Doctor called and left a message yesterday for me (that I had to listen to a dozen times) that said my blood test looked very, very encouraging and he'd see me at my initial appointment, in a few weeks.  PRAISE GOD!!!

So, we are thanking God for this miracle and asking our friends and family to join with us bolding praying that our little one will grow well and we will see a little flutter on that ultrasound screen!! We have complete faith that sometime in early 2013 we will be holding our sweet little son or daughter in our arms.

Thank you for praying in faith along with us for this new little life. We are overjoyed at the things we've already seen God do!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.

I've seen MIRACLES just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what FAITH can do.

My Gifts

I've been dropping 'hints' all week to the boys reminding them of what day is coming up. Every time I say "you know what day it is on Sunday", they look at me with BIG smiles and say SHOUT "Mother's Day"!!  A day to celebrate Mom...all we are....all we do.

While I enjoy the celebration that comes along with Mother's Day, what I love even more is the pure gift I have been given by God to be a Mom.  I want to celebrate the who of why I have that title! Not once, but five times with babies living here on Earth with me and two babies in Heaven. I do not deserve anything more than what my salvation, through the blood of Christ has secured for me....but the Lord saw fit to bless me beyond anything I could have ever hoped for, wished for, prayed for.

I love being a Mom more than anything else in the world. It's all I ever wanted to do....honestly.  That does not mean I do not have days that I want to pull every single hair out of my head, or go lock myself in my room and cry because I just do not feel like I have a handle on this 'title' God has given to me. There are many, many moments like that....but for all those 'few' moments of heartache there are a million more JOYS!!! I cannot give God enough thank yous in my entire lifetime for what He has blessed me with.

Loud And Clear

For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live.

Not I, but Christ that lives within me.

His cross will never ask for more, than I can give,

For it's not my strength but His.

There's no greater sacrifice, for I am crucified with Christ

and yet I live.

While standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes this morning God so clearly spoke these words to me, I swear He was standing close enough to breathe on me and make my hair move.

I would choose no other way, nor change anything that has happened along the journey. Thanks be to God for sending His precious son to shed his blood so that I may live.

Long Overdue Update

Our family has been super busy over these past several weeks.  School, Church, Birthday celebrations have consumed much of our lives lately!  I cannot believe we are in the middle of the month of February already.  It's so nice to see the mornings are brighter earlier and the evenings staying lighter longer.

The biggest happening in the life of our family:

Due to arrive September 15.....or so

We are THRILLED and very, very thankful to God for this blessing!!!

The reaction when we told the boys the news was priceless.  I put the big brother shirt on Caleb and told the big boys that Caleb had something to tell them.  As he walked out into the living room Wesley and Ethan saw him first and immediately burst into tears of joy. Lucas had a smile that consumed his entire face. Jackson was trying to read Caleb's shirt and after Chad told him what it said he turned to me and said "Mom, God answered the prayer I pray every single day".

We have known about this pregnancy since the first few weeks I was pregnant.  I had to go in to the Doctor for another issue and had a feeling I could be pregnant.  I swore I saw a second line on a test I had taken (of course I had to look at it from a hundred different angles, in all kinds of light) but I wasn't sure it was not just my mind just playing a trick on me.  =)  So, we did a blood test. That came back at a level that was inconclusive and I had to go back 4 days later for another test.  IT CAME BACK POSITIVE!!!!  Keeping it a secret from everybody for 8 weeks was painfully difficult!

I've been feeling blah and very, very tired.  I can eat one thing a certain day and then the next day can't even stand to look at it.  Trying to plan weekly menus has been fun. I try to go with meals that are easy and can be changed depending on the day.

We are all extremely grateful for this blessing and looking forward to watching my belly grow over the next several months!!  What an amazing, incredible gift we have been given!

And now to go take a nap......

Thankfulness

We had a Thanksgiving service at our Church yesterday that was absolutely incredible. These two videos were shown and both Chad and I had tears flowing down our cheeks as we watched.

Such an amazing reminder for us to give God thanks for all things, in all circumstances. To know just how amazingly blessed we are. As Pastor Gary said~if you are breathing the breath that God gave you for another moment of life you are blessed. Every single second is a gift.

How Could I Ask For More?

There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled my the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
And holding Daddy's hand

Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot in the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise

So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

With Everything

I certainly do not have this life figured out~that's why they call it living by faith. 

I do not understand all of God's ways, but I trust in His will and plan. Even when it hurts and I want Him to stop the sifting.

The prayer of my life is that with everything that I am I will praise the Lord. In good times and bad times, happy and sad, drought or harvest. Times of questions, as well as times of answers. I know I need to work on this, because at some of my weakest moments I really struggle. 

Lord, let no hesitation pass under my feet before I run and leap into your arms. You are majestic, mighty, glorious, loving, and worthy of all my praise.

I could not live one second of my life without you.

Let hope rise, and darkness tremble...

In your Holy light...

~~~JESUS~~~

With everything...

What A Promise!

Fail Us Not

Failure doesn’t phase You, worry doesn’t win,
Loss doesn’t leave You afraid to start again,
Our sin doesn’t shock You,
Our shame doesn’t shame You at all

Mistakes do not move You, terror doesn’t tame,
Death doesn’t doom You to life in the grave,
Our suffering doesn’t scare You,
Our secrets won’t surprise You at all

There is nothing above You,
There is nothing beyond You,
There is nothing that You can’t do…
There is no one beside You,
There is no one that’s like You,
There is nothing that You can’t do…

Whatever will come, we’ll rise above,
You fail us not, You fail us not,
No matter the war, our hope is secure,
You fail us not, You fail us not,

You fail us not…

Hatred doesn’t hide You, evil doesn’t ail,
Despair can’t disguise You and tell You that You’ve failed,
Our doubt doesn’t daunt You,
Our darkness won’t defeat You at all

You’re bigger than the battle,
You are bigger than the battle
You are bigger than the battle has ever been

My Friend

I'm not sure if you'll ever even read this. If you do (you know who you are), please know that I love you very much!!!  =)

Blessings

You Never Let Go

How Amazed I Am

Last night while I was running this song came on my mp3 player...and I continued to hit 'repeat' over and over for the next 4 miles.  =)  Oh God I am so completely amazed by you, in so many ways over the years of my life.  Walking in the deepest valleys or the highest mountaintops~Lord you have completely overwhelmed my heart.

Your glory fills the sky

A great and holy light

Shining like a million stars

I'm amazed by who you are

Lord, we lift you high

Oh God be magnified

You have overwhelmed my heart

I'm amazed by who you are.