Not Good Enough

"All I wanted to do was run up there and rescue him." 17 years ago those were the words someone said to me right after my wedding ceremony. No hugs, no congratulations, no I'm so happy for you both. Only words spoken with such a clear message that I was not, and would not ever be "good enough". I remember standing in the back of the Church being so incredibly happy, yet having been told that, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails just a tiny bit.

I have learned something over these past 17 years, that person was right. I am not good enough~and no matter how much I try to be the most amazing wife I will fail 100% in some way every single day. But something else I have learned is marriage isn't about being perfect, marriage is about being vulnerable, and honest and transparent and ugly. Marriage is about figuring out how to be less of me, more of him. Marriage is about leaping out of an airplane with a parachute on and trusting your partner to know when to pull the cord to open up that chute!

Marriage is hard. Marriage is messy. Marriage is imperfection, quite possibly at its best.

However, marriage is also about the most incredible love I have ever known next to God's love. It about laughter, and incredible joy. It's warm hugs on cold days. It is jumping into the deep end of the pool and treading in the water together. It's figuring out who we are over the years and what matters.

It's faith, in a God that is so much greater then we will ever comprehend or understand. Yet, we choose to trust our entire lives to Him. It's grace given to one another, just as it has been given to us. It's the very picture of forgiveness poured out from our Savior, dying on that cross for us.

It is truly the best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. I am so thankful that I am loved within my imperfections. I would give nothing back, trade nothing, wish for different. I am beyond grateful for my best friend, my soul mate, my partner in this messy thing we call life.

I will love him always~thank you for making the last 17 years forever beautiful.

Saying Goodbye

My Grandpa, a World War II Veteran, has lived 93 years on this Earth and is getting ready to finally head Home. He suffered a major stroke this past Sunday and is now under hospice care.

I got to go see him tonight, sleeping peacefully, waiting for that time between his last breath on earth and his first one in Glory. Today has been a day for me, full of wonderful memories of my Grandfather (and my Grandmother who has been with Jesus for 6 years).

He was such a wonderful, Godly man. He also had a great sense of humor! He would be driving down the road and just honk at someone and wave like he knew them....just to get us to laugh. Or he'd honk at no one and just say "oh, that's my friend....didn't you see him??" I can still hear my Grandma laugh and then tell him to knock it off.

I will remember endless hours of card playing, riding along with him on the lawn mower, many years of incredible camping memories. Reading the Bible and his prayers. His hugs. Laughing at the jokes I would read to him out of my joke book....over and over and over. Watching him in his basement working on watches (he was a watch repairman). Never getting tired of my endless questions.

After his injury in the war he was unable to bend his leg, and then later on in life he had to have that leg amputated. I know the first thing he is going to do once he gets to Heaven is RUN into the arms of Jesus.

This song has been in my head all day today. I love the lyrics that say:

Do you want to go riding with me? To a place that lasts forevermore.

Please don't think that you are one among the few,

I'm different just like you

Where I am going there will be no alibis

No might-have-beens or sad goodbyes

Where I am going

And all the questions still unanswered in my mind

Lord, I'll leave 'em all behind

I'll only find the answers

I'll only keep on going (Keep on going) Where I'm going

(Where I am going) There will be no compromise.

No tears will come to cloud my eyes.

Where I am going, and all the precious love I've had to sacrifice

Will be given to me twice Because He paid the price

And it's worth it all just knowing

Where I am going...


Love you Grandpa....

 

Bittersweet Week

I cannot believe we have arrived at this moment~Chad and I are officially parents of a teenager!!! How and when did that happen??!! Ethan's birth threw us into the wild and crazy blessed world of parenting....and we've never looked back. How non-coincidental that my devotion in my inbox this morning was called 'Empty Nest'....all too quickly I can see the not so distant future and my growing children headed off in their own directions.

 

We raise them the best we know how with love, discipline, and belief in Jesus Christ. Sometimes they frustrate us by not cleaning their crib (room). Like an animal in a barn, they can be messy and smelly. There are days you want a little peace and quiet because they are angry and loud when fighting with their siblings. But the empty nest is void of noise. The kids are nowhere to be found; so enjoy them while you can. {Excerpt from Wisdom Hunters; Empty Nest Devotional}

 

 

I am so, so blessed and thankful for my overflowing nest!!!! My life is blessed, not burdened by being a parent. I am so grateful that God has given me the most amazing opportunity to be a Mom, and the grace He's given the boys to know I am far from being perfect at it! =) 

 

 

It is a bittersweet week in our household. We celebrate Ethan's birthday today, and Lucas turns 11 tomorrow.  (How cool is that....brothers....born 2 years and 1 day apart??!) We also would have been expecting a baby sometime soon. Tomorrow would have been my due date. We will celebrate birthday's of two of our babies we have gotten to hold on Earth, but also we are going to celebrate the life that God gave our son/daughter, brother/sister. I won't lie, miscarriage is hard. Gut~wrenching hard. But I have seen God's faithfulness over all 3 of our miscarriages, and I am SO thankful for the chance to be used by Him.

 

Baby # 8~Due Date~January 30,2013

 

Love and miss you!

 

 

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

Thank you Lord for life~and abundant life at that!

 

 



 

 



The Next Big Act On America's Got Talent???

 

Well, probably not, but it is definitely the latest thing the boys

 do for fun.  I wonder what the neighbors think when they

see flashing lights all over out of the living room windows!!! =)

 

 

 

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

Thank you so much for being so absolutely incredible this year. Most days were sunny and hot. We had so much fun playing in the pool, having water gun fights, laying in the shade on the cool grass. We (okay mostly Mom) even loved having to drag hoses all over to make sure our yard tried to stay alive!! We loved picnics on our deck, planting our garden and watching all the stuff grow and we loved eating all the strawberries!! We loved watching amazing sunsets out our back door and having windows open at night letting cool breezes blow in. We loved spending time together as a family.

I am going to really, really, really miss you!!! (Bet you can't guess what my favorite season is huh?)

Can you please come back and do it all over again next year??  =)

Life

Life has certainly been a whirlwind these past few weeks.  We thoroughly enjoyed our 2 + weeks camping at the Conference Grounds.  Our family absolutely LOVES that place!!  Here's a video of various pictures taken over our time there.

When I worked there one of my many jobs was Children's Activities Director. I grew to absolutely love that part of my job. I was a very quiet, shy person back then (I know....very hard to believe that one huh??!!) But doing that job definitely made me have to come out of my 'shell'.  I still remember having to announce my first activity over the campground speaker....talk about being completely freaked out!!!  Hearing your voice going out over the whole entire campground was definitely a strange thing....that thankfully I got used to very quickly.

I was very, very blessed to have been asked to help lead a few of the activities while we were camping out there.  I had a great time...and oh how the memories of six amazing Summers came flooding back!  (I even got to announce the activities...just like old times). =)

I realized though just how much older I am than the last time I did a wagon ride....just look at the pictures!!!  Fifteen years ago was the last time I had done one...I had less wrinkles, no grey hair, and no cottage cheese thighs. I also could get up and out of the wagon without any aches and pains....not so much this time around!!   

 

 

School is back in full force, the boys seem to be back in the swing of things. Getting back into their routines both in and out of school. I just cannot believe how fast Summer seemed to fly by this year. Faster than ever I think!!

I am having a hard week this week. I thought I'd be able to be strong(er) as I approach what was to be our due date with baby #7, but I'll admit it's not that easy. In fact I've been trying to write a blog post for the past several days but my mind is just all over the place and I cannot pluck the right words out of my head. I'm a jumbled mix of emotions and feelings that simply many cannot understand.

I have had so many comments the last several weeks by people who have learned of our story of 3 miscarriages this year and they've quite clearly shared their opinion(s) of what they think I should be feeling or how to proceed. All I can say to those people is 1) those comments hurt deeply 2) it is between Chad & I and my Doctor to determine what is in our best interest and 3) We're NOT ready to give up on what God can will do. 4) We would much rather have your prayers laid upon us, than your opinions.

 

We have never, ever at any time tried to have 'another' one because we feel gypped that we didn't get that girl yet. We do not want to have another one because we are not grateful enough for the 5 children God has given to us. We do not want another baby because we are such perfect parents (do you hear me laughing!!!) and deserve it.

 

We simply do not deserve anything we have, it is all from our Father above. We are so, so blessed. I look at my life and cannot thank God enough for what He's given to me. But yes, we still would absolutely love to welcome another little life into our arms. So, if I could ask one thing of the people that know our family and love us. Simply pray for us, and if you don't have anything nice to say then just don't say it.

 

Some of you know about the appointment I have coming up....please pray specifically for the time I will be meeting with the Doctor. Pray for him to ask the 'right' questions in the short time we will have together. Pray for my ability to remember anything he really needs to know. I feel like so much has gone on in the last 12 months and he doesn't know any of my history so it's up to me to get it out of my head and into his....and just maybe he will have some idea of how to proceed with me. I am complex!!! =)

Thank you for being a part of my life, for your encouragement. Most of all thank you for uplifting us to a most Holy God. A God who knows the rest of the story...and continues to reveal it in His time.

3 Years Ago

3 years ago we were anxiously awaiting baby # 5....

Caleb...he still has those chubby cheeks!!!

I cannot believe my baby is going to turn 3 years old tomorrow.  He is such a joy to our family. He's funny and smart (and yes at times naughty)! He loves to go shopping with Mom, read stories with Dad, wrestle with his brothers.

You are LOVED like crazy buddy!! Happy ~ Happy 3rd Birthday! Thank you God for blessing our family with this precious child.



My Gifts

I've been dropping 'hints' all week to the boys reminding them of what day is coming up. Every time I say "you know what day it is on Sunday", they look at me with BIG smiles and say SHOUT "Mother's Day"!!  A day to celebrate Mom...all we are....all we do.

While I enjoy the celebration that comes along with Mother's Day, what I love even more is the pure gift I have been given by God to be a Mom.  I want to celebrate the who of why I have that title! Not once, but five times with babies living here on Earth with me and two babies in Heaven. I do not deserve anything more than what my salvation, through the blood of Christ has secured for me....but the Lord saw fit to bless me beyond anything I could have ever hoped for, wished for, prayed for.

I love being a Mom more than anything else in the world. It's all I ever wanted to do....honestly.  That does not mean I do not have days that I want to pull every single hair out of my head, or go lock myself in my room and cry because I just do not feel like I have a handle on this 'title' God has given to me. There are many, many moments like that....but for all those 'few' moments of heartache there are a million more JOYS!!! I cannot give God enough thank yous in my entire lifetime for what He has blessed me with.

These Days

Lots going on these days in our 'little' family.  Many of us are fighting some sort of Spring 'bug'.  Last week hubby had it and then shared it with me. This week it is strep throat. You just do not know how excited I am to see how many of us get this highly contagious germ. I've been making sure we're taking our vitamins and trying to get to bed on time. Maybe that will help the rest of us to get/stay healthy!

Last week Ethan went on a band field trip and on the way home while stopping for lunch, tripped and hit his head on a curb. So, we nursed a goose egg Friday afternoon and are very thankful it was nothing more than that!

And then there is our sweet little Jackson,  who had us (okay...mommy mostly) worried that his slow growth rate has become an even greater concern.  After plotting his recent well-child measurements from our Family Doctor, JJ's endocrinologist at Devos Children's Hospital was concerned enough to order another bone age growth report. (Simply an x-ray of his left hand & wrist.) Isn't amazing they can determine rate of growth from that?! It seems as if he is still following his same pattern and lags behind more like a 4 1/2 - 5 year old measurement for bone growth.  So, I don't have to specifically call in another height/weight plot until the Fall.  I am very grateful for a Physician who is right on top of things with our child. We love JJ exactly the way God has created him...sweet, sensitive, hilarious, kind and loving, wrapped up in a cute, small package. But, we also want to make sure that we address any concerns!

JJ's present from his
Birthday back in February

Nine years after building our house we are finally finishing the last room. Ethan and Lucas will share this bedroom and they cannot wait for Dad and Grandpa to get things done so they can move in!

Bedroom # 4 in the works...

We're awaiting the warmth that we had back in March to return....or maybe at least a little less wind.  The wind is very, very cold and while we love being outside we would really like to not have to worry about a windchill anymore this Spring!! However, the upside of this is that the inside project actually is getting worked on!! 

Bits And Pieces

Little bits and pieces of our lives lately.....

Caleb

Wesley

Lucas

Jackson

Ethan

March didn't yield us any snow days...but it did give
us a 2 hour fog day. I took this after the boys got on
the bus~it had lifted quite a bit.

The weather has been so absolutely crazy
beautiful! We ate dinner on our deck on March 19th.

If you look closely you'll see that Caleb
thought he could wash his hands by himself.
Chad hears him while out in the garage saying
'Dad, help me, bubbles overflowing'.....

We have been so blessed with some incredible, record breaking, Summer-like temperatures.  Day after day displays the beauty of early Spring. Sweet, gentle breezes blowing in through the open windows.  It has been so refreshing for our family to have a new season be upon us. We have been enjoying it to the fullest! Playing outside, enjoying time with friends around a campfire, hanging out with the neighbors. Working on cleaning up landscaping at home and our Church. Enjoying and thankful for all the moments God has given us, and totally loving the shorts/t-shirts weather!!

To have July type weather for this long of a stretch in Michigan is unheard of and it will be difficult to go back to 'normal' Michigan weather. 

I Love This Man

February 28, 1998 was the BEST day of my life. But every single day since then has been even better because I have gotten to spend all of them with my best friend. So, Chad when you read this just know I love you more than life itself and I am so grateful to God for hand-picking you just for me!!! I cannot imagine my life without you. Thank you for taking me on the most incredible adventure and sticking by my side whether we're upon the mountains or hikng through the valleys of life. We are so very, very blessed. Happy 14th Anniversary!!

Long Overdue Update

Our family has been super busy over these past several weeks.  School, Church, Birthday celebrations have consumed much of our lives lately!  I cannot believe we are in the middle of the month of February already.  It's so nice to see the mornings are brighter earlier and the evenings staying lighter longer.

The biggest happening in the life of our family:

Due to arrive September 15.....or so

We are THRILLED and very, very thankful to God for this blessing!!!

The reaction when we told the boys the news was priceless.  I put the big brother shirt on Caleb and told the big boys that Caleb had something to tell them.  As he walked out into the living room Wesley and Ethan saw him first and immediately burst into tears of joy. Lucas had a smile that consumed his entire face. Jackson was trying to read Caleb's shirt and after Chad told him what it said he turned to me and said "Mom, God answered the prayer I pray every single day".

We have known about this pregnancy since the first few weeks I was pregnant.  I had to go in to the Doctor for another issue and had a feeling I could be pregnant.  I swore I saw a second line on a test I had taken (of course I had to look at it from a hundred different angles, in all kinds of light) but I wasn't sure it was not just my mind just playing a trick on me.  =)  So, we did a blood test. That came back at a level that was inconclusive and I had to go back 4 days later for another test.  IT CAME BACK POSITIVE!!!!  Keeping it a secret from everybody for 8 weeks was painfully difficult!

I've been feeling blah and very, very tired.  I can eat one thing a certain day and then the next day can't even stand to look at it.  Trying to plan weekly menus has been fun. I try to go with meals that are easy and can be changed depending on the day.

We are all extremely grateful for this blessing and looking forward to watching my belly grow over the next several months!!  What an amazing, incredible gift we have been given!

And now to go take a nap......

Merry CHRISTmas

Merry CHRISTmas! May you be blessed as you remember the one and only reason for the season. May it not be just a day in December, but may you live each and every day with Christ as the center of your life. There is absolutely no greater gift that your could have in life than to know Christ as your personal Savior!

Jesus is a life giver and a life changer!!!

Great Times!

We had so much fun on our recent BIG Walters family vacation!!!

Lots of fishing, some tubing, paddle boat rides, kayaking, swimming

campfires, movies, great conversations, eating, relaxing....

Good ole' family bonding!

Happy Birthday Caleb!!

Cannot believe that Caleb is 2!  He is so much fun, and adored by all of his big brothers.  What JOY he brings to our lives. 

February 28, 1998

(click on play to watch video)

I cannot believe that we have been married 13 years!!!  We have shared an incredible journey together. You are an amazing husband and dad. Every single day I am so blessed by you, what a gift God has given me! 

Sometimes I love you so much I feel like I could burst! =) I love you more with each passing day~Happy 13th Anniversary!!!

Love,

Jen

Vaporized Children and A Missing Tooth

I told Wesley to go lay out his clothes for school for the next day. This is what I saw when I walked around the corner. He said he was vaporized...

Jackson lost his first tooth right before he turns 5.  He is following in his big brother's footsteps and lost his tooth early...but he also got them early. He is SO proud!!!





Oh Crazy Days!!!

Last week we had a record snowfall of 18 inches. The boys had two days off from school. I spent 4 1/2 hours snow blowing and another 1/2 hour shoveling off the deck.



Standing in a snowdrift...or should I say stuck in a snowdrift??

Trying to get out of the snowdrift!!

I came down with strep throat and was super sick the night of my snow blowing frenzy. All I wanted to do was go to sleep but the beginning of my fever and burning throat prevented me from getting more than a few hours. I cannot remember a time when I have felt so incredibly awful from an illness. I am not one to just lay around and take it easy, however there was simply no choice.  I could not get off the couch. I am so thankful for amazing, wonderful kids that got along so well on their day off from school and for Ethan who took such good care of his brothers.  He got them all lunch, took care of cleaning up the kitchen and was my 'go-to guy' for helping out when I needed something.  How I wish certain people could have been in my house that day to just observe what went on...maybe they would have a different opinion about my children and say words to them that build them up, instead of tearing them down.

After 15 days of not being able to run I was finally able to get outside and run around my neighborhood.  I told myself I would just go for a nice, gentle run but then I started to laugh when this song came on my mp3 player....this is not a gentle, take it easy kind of song. =) 



We're still in the middle of crazy days.  Kindergarten screening, groceries, birthday's, a million loads of laundry, oh the JOYS of it all!!! Lovin' it, embracing it, cherishing it.