Numbness And Tears

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers for our family. We appreciate them so much! We have such amazing, loving friends and family!! Today's feeling can best be described as numbness mixed with tears. To be honest I think part of that is because I still was in such excited awe that I was pregnant, and now I'm just not quite sure where to go with the feelings that I am not.  (Of course it isn't made any easier by the fact I still feel extremely pregnant). It probably didn't help much either that yesterday after my ultrasound while walking out of the hospital there were two pregnant women and a husband and wife just leaving with their newborn. Then when I woke up in the middle of the night our T.V. was still on and a rerun of the Today Show was on and they were playing some pregnancy quiz game.  Seriously???!!  That just HAD to be on at 2:30 in the morning???  Today I had to run to the grocery store....won't even tell you how many tiny babies I saw. 

Today I was thinking how awesome it is that in the midst of all this great grief we're going through God answered a specific prayer. He gave me the gift of seeing my precious child's heartbeat on that ultrasound screen Monday. Oh how knowing what I know now I wish I could go back and stare at it for just a little while longer. What a sweet and blessed gift those few moments were though and I'm so grateful He gave them to me. I am also very thankful that I had a formal ultrasound to check measurements just two days later and learned the news then.  Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have known for another month.

Tomorrow my surgery is scheduled for 11am. The other two D & C's went fine but recovery for the weeks following were both extremely different and very long. The OB that our Doctor has been consulting with will also be involved with the surgery tomorrow to see if we can lessen the issues I seem to have after the prodcedure.

As of now we are at a complete loss as to why this has happened a third time.  I was on progesterone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, just in case a deficiency was the problem. I have had bloodwork done after the last miscarriage to rule out issues with me and everything had come back normal.

Growing a baby is such an intracite process it really is an amazing miracle we have had 5 healthy boys. One little 'glitch' and the Mother's body in most cases knows life won't continue outside the womb so it abruptly ends. Many times, even in recurrent miscarriages a cause is never found. I am at higher risk for miscarriage because of my age, and with each one the risk increases of having another.

We have known those stats all along, but still trust in a sovereign God who has ways that are not our own. Yesterday, today and tomorrow....