Just Today

Sometimes days are absolutely overwhelming and I wonder how in the world I could have ever even thought I could handle having another baby.  Many times recently the words "you're nuts" have echoed in my mind. I haven't had a date with my husband in over 7 months. I feel like I miss 1/2 of the conversations my kids attempt to have with me, because I am always doing something that requires the other 1/2 of my attention. Did I mention the calendar for this month?? Something on it every single day. The lack of sleep makes my brain foggy and my fuse short some days. My almost 40 something body is achy, wrinkly and definitely pudgy in places it was not before. I am unable to run, which is something I miss deeply. My house at best resembles a store after a black Friday crowd has busted through the doors and picked up items only to set them down right where they DON'T belong.


BUT THEN I JUST LOOK AT HER. Yes, this beautiful reminder that after the sorrow and heartache of 3 miscarriages the Lord BLESSED our family with another baby. He most certainly did not have to answer the cries of our hearts in this way~but HE did. THAT makes my heart sing!! With HIS help, I can do this!!!


So, today (because that's as much as I can see) I will take each moment as it comes. I will reheat my coffee a dozen times. I will overlook the mountains of laundry, the dust bunnies accumulating in the corners. The dirty dishes stacked in my sink, pleading for me to scrub them. I will do what I can, with what time I have, but I WON'T miss out on the precious moments with the gifts (all 6 of them) that God has entrusted to me.

Lord, help me remember and to see that you are right in the middle of all things today. The joys, the tears. You know my strengths, you know my weakness. You see my struggles and walk right along side of me. Forgive me for not giving you the credit you deserve. My life is completely yours~many times I forget that and attempt to "own it" myself. I forget that I have you as my best friend, my comforter, my healer. Help me to find you and see you in ways that could only be YOU. Forgive me when I don't live this life you have blessed me with in the way that I should. Thank you for saving me and giving me so, so much. May I use this day to worship and honor you, in all that I do.

 

 





Time

Cannot believe that it has been two years since I wrote this post. Three years ago today I wrote this one. And today I still would chose to walk the very same path all over again, not changing a single thing.

 

God used that time in my life to invade my personal bubble. To swell my heart. To find Him.  He spoke His beautiful word deep into places of my soul nobody else ever gets to see. He used that period of months and years to teach me and mold me. To show me who HE is, which then showed me who I am in Christ. The One who promises to be faithful, even if it is not seen in this life. The One I am to trust with all that I am.

 

Even when I do not understand.



 

My days are not my own. My plans are not mine, they are His. I grasp that so much more clearly now, and that makes life so much sweeter.

 

Even the hard days, and yes there are really hard days sometimes.

 

 

There are many people I know going through a lot of BIG things right now. I don't understand why we have to say goodbye so soon. I don't understand why people have to get terribly sick. I don't understand why some days it is a struggle just to put bread on the table for some families. I don't understand why people say one thing, but live another. I don't understand why storms rage all around us and despair hangs on like the thickest of fog.

I do understand there is this ugly word call sin, and that we live in a fallen world. I do know that I cannot make it a single moment without being blood bought by Christ's sacrifice on the cross.  It doesn't make this life on earth any easier, it does make it possible. HE is hope in the midst of storms, joys, heartaches, mountaintops, valleys, answered prayer, prayers still waiting for an answer.

 

 

Thankful heart today...



 

 



 



The Secret Miracle

3 years ago Mother's Day weekend I had a secret, 2 years ago I had the same secret. I was pregnant with baby # 6 and baby # 8. The only people that knew were God and Chad. Eventually the rest of the world learned my little secret, and following walked through a very dark valley with us when both of those babies were ushered into Heaven before taking a breath here on earth.

Last year, this very same weekend, Mother's Day I had the same secret.  This weekend I am celebrating my MIRACLE.  Ellery Grace, God planned YOU since before time began. Your brother's, your dad and I simply cannot thank God enough for you. I am so glad He can see our hearts, read our minds, and hear the whispers of our tears. We love you baby girl!!!

Worth The Wait

 

Our family will never forget the journey we have been on

the past few years. The babies we never got to meet

will always be a part of our family. Those precious

lives taught me, taught us so much.

 

AND...

Ellery Grace you were without a doubt worth the wait!!
We thank God for you and are blessed beyond
 what words could say.

Beautiful Grace

No words, I am simply without words.

Speechless, captured by God's goodness.

Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.

Sweet little Ellery Grace,

You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.

Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.

Isn't it funny how once you know how people really feel about you, about your circumstances, your whole perspective changes on so many levels. 

Yesterday, when I shared my last baby appointment update of this pregnancy via a social networking page, I also shared the fact that I was going to have to be induced. My statement also included how things do not go well for me with inductions. Unless you were there, in the room, for either one of them I've had to go through you really have NO idea. You also do not understand that I can be pretty much guaranteed this induction will follow a similar path to the other two, as circumstances are similar.

So, I suppose I am not allowed to feel a little disappointed and a tad frustrated. No, really what it comes down to is that I should not share those feelings. Which is why for the most part I never do. Judgement comes quickly when a person is walking with a struggle.  Not enough grace these days, especially by those who should know how to give it the most.

I have learned a lesson....lots of people only want to hear the good stuff. They can't just come and walk beside you to encourage you, it has to come with a price.

I heard things like "Remember that I chose this.""Remember how badly you wanted this?" "Look at the blessing you will have at the end." Really? I was just sharing the last part of my pregnancy journey and how I wasn't thrilled with the induction part. I didn't think I had people looking at me like I somehow almost deserved this.   I guess I must apologize if my life has ever been a reflection of begging the Lord for a child, all while being ungrateful for the ones I have. Or coming across as anything but blessed (in countless ways over my life).  I have never claimed to be perfect, man my flaws are sometimes so consuming I have to walk away from myself and cling to the promise I have in Jesus of being washed white as snow.  I would not want to see what I would be apart from Him.....ugly.

If you have read my blog, or are in my 'circle' of 'friends' on facebook I certainly hope you have been able to see right through me and know who I am. Know WHO I believe in. Know WHAT I stand for. That you see someone who is doing what everyone else is doing.....this thing called life.  It's hard and messy, disappointments occur, hurts happen.  BUT there is so much more....hope, joy, answers to prayer, contentment, grace, peace, love. Most of the time I really try to live my life in that aspect and I apologize for being honest about the times when life is not that way.

Life is all about the destination, but it is a journey along the way. To those who have really taken the time to care about our family, to show our family love and grace, to walk along side of us during the joyous times as well as the not so beautiful moments please know we love you deeply and appreciate you so much!!