I Love This Man

February 28, 1998 was the BEST day of my life. But every single day since then has been even better because I have gotten to spend all of them with my best friend. So, Chad when you read this just know I love you more than life itself and I am so grateful to God for hand-picking you just for me!!! I cannot imagine my life without you. Thank you for taking me on the most incredible adventure and sticking by my side whether we're upon the mountains or hikng through the valleys of life. We are so very, very blessed. Happy 14th Anniversary!!

Loud And Clear

For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live.

Not I, but Christ that lives within me.

His cross will never ask for more, than I can give,

For it's not my strength but His.

There's no greater sacrifice, for I am crucified with Christ

and yet I live.

While standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes this morning God so clearly spoke these words to me, I swear He was standing close enough to breathe on me and make my hair move.

I would choose no other way, nor change anything that has happened along the journey. Thanks be to God for sending His precious son to shed his blood so that I may live.

Sometimes He Comes In The Clouds

How am I?

Do you really want to know? Do I really want to share my heart?


Honestly, I don't know how I'm doing. (Let me stress this does not mean I do not know WHO I am, or WHOSE perfect will I am being held in). Many of the hours this past week have been spent doing what I always am doing...Mom stuff. But then there are moments that I suddenly get caught up in what just happened again to my heart, to my body and I just weep.

Second miscarriage definitely more difficult than the first. It was much easier the first time around to fully believe that it was random, most likely a chromosome abnormality. After our first miscarriage I had this hope inside of me that it happened for reasons only God knew and I would still be able to become pregnant again with a healthy pregnancy. This time though, I feel like it's somehow more my fault and less of some random occurrence.  Maybe because they both occurred at almost the same gestational time as one another?  Maybe because I've read that the chance of having a second miscarriage is extremely low, and to have another that is caused by a genetic problem is even lower.

How many things in life though cause us to have questions and no answers? After all, God is God and we are not, so there are just some things we will never know, understand or comprehend on this side of Heaven. Praise God my faith follows me into the dark, shadowy places of life.

I think the hardest part this time around is the hope that has been shattered. Scattered into too many pieces to find and be put back together....on my own.  I have to rely on God to find them all and put them back into place. To know that while our prayer for another baby was answered only briefly, that God gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name. (Did you read that Satan???)

Strong Enough

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

(Strong Enough~Matthew West)

I do not have to have a repeat blood test tomorrow morning.  We are no longer concerned about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy in addition to the intrauterine pregnancy.  I am scheduled for surgery at 10:45 tomorrow morning. 

Today was hard.  I still feel incredibly sick and I'm very exhausted. The reality of knowing there is no longer any reason behind feeling that way made the day seem very long.

Not The News We Wanted To Have To Share

Really not sure how to share this news except just to say we found out today that we have miscarried again. We were blessed to be able to be a vessel to usher this precious soul into Heaven but ache that we will not get to know him or her on earth.

I went in to the Doctor because I was bleeding. After two ultrasounds it was determined that there was no heartbeat and baby stopped growing at 7 weeks.

To complicate matters a tad further my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are quite high~enough to cause some concern that there may be an ectopic pregnancy as well.  I also still am experiencing pregnancy symptoms which I should no longer really have.

So, the plan right now is to check my levels Friday morning to see if they are going down.  If they are, we should no longer need to be concerned about an ectopic. If they are increasing however, that is a cause for concern and I would then need to undergo laparoscopic surgery to look in the fallopian tubes.  In addition to this I have chosen to undergo a D & C as I really don't want to wait to miscarry on my own. Hopefully, that is the only thing we will need to worry about and it would then be done Friday afternoon sometime.

PLEASE pray that my numbers go down with Friday's test. 

We are sad, but as with the first miscarriage we still cling to the fact that God is sovereign and in complete control. From allowing conception to take place, to ushering our precious baby into His Kingdom. We will choose to become better, not bitter because of this. We will be a testimony in the darkest night and profess the power of the cross in our lives in the valleys and on the mountaintops.

We covet your prayers in the coming days and weeks and thank you for loving our family.

Long Overdue Update

Our family has been super busy over these past several weeks.  School, Church, Birthday celebrations have consumed much of our lives lately!  I cannot believe we are in the middle of the month of February already.  It's so nice to see the mornings are brighter earlier and the evenings staying lighter longer.

The biggest happening in the life of our family:

Due to arrive September 15.....or so

We are THRILLED and very, very thankful to God for this blessing!!!

The reaction when we told the boys the news was priceless.  I put the big brother shirt on Caleb and told the big boys that Caleb had something to tell them.  As he walked out into the living room Wesley and Ethan saw him first and immediately burst into tears of joy. Lucas had a smile that consumed his entire face. Jackson was trying to read Caleb's shirt and after Chad told him what it said he turned to me and said "Mom, God answered the prayer I pray every single day".

We have known about this pregnancy since the first few weeks I was pregnant.  I had to go in to the Doctor for another issue and had a feeling I could be pregnant.  I swore I saw a second line on a test I had taken (of course I had to look at it from a hundred different angles, in all kinds of light) but I wasn't sure it was not just my mind just playing a trick on me.  =)  So, we did a blood test. That came back at a level that was inconclusive and I had to go back 4 days later for another test.  IT CAME BACK POSITIVE!!!!  Keeping it a secret from everybody for 8 weeks was painfully difficult!

I've been feeling blah and very, very tired.  I can eat one thing a certain day and then the next day can't even stand to look at it.  Trying to plan weekly menus has been fun. I try to go with meals that are easy and can be changed depending on the day.

We are all extremely grateful for this blessing and looking forward to watching my belly grow over the next several months!!  What an amazing, incredible gift we have been given!

And now to go take a nap......