Time

Cannot believe that it has been two years since I wrote this post. Three years ago today I wrote this one. And today I still would chose to walk the very same path all over again, not changing a single thing.

 

God used that time in my life to invade my personal bubble. To swell my heart. To find Him.  He spoke His beautiful word deep into places of my soul nobody else ever gets to see. He used that period of months and years to teach me and mold me. To show me who HE is, which then showed me who I am in Christ. The One who promises to be faithful, even if it is not seen in this life. The One I am to trust with all that I am.

 

Even when I do not understand.



 

My days are not my own. My plans are not mine, they are His. I grasp that so much more clearly now, and that makes life so much sweeter.

 

Even the hard days, and yes there are really hard days sometimes.

 

 

There are many people I know going through a lot of BIG things right now. I don't understand why we have to say goodbye so soon. I don't understand why people have to get terribly sick. I don't understand why some days it is a struggle just to put bread on the table for some families. I don't understand why people say one thing, but live another. I don't understand why storms rage all around us and despair hangs on like the thickest of fog.

I do understand there is this ugly word call sin, and that we live in a fallen world. I do know that I cannot make it a single moment without being blood bought by Christ's sacrifice on the cross.  It doesn't make this life on earth any easier, it does make it possible. HE is hope in the midst of storms, joys, heartaches, mountaintops, valleys, answered prayer, prayers still waiting for an answer.

 

 

Thankful heart today...



 

 



 



The Secret Miracle

3 years ago Mother's Day weekend I had a secret, 2 years ago I had the same secret. I was pregnant with baby # 6 and baby # 8. The only people that knew were God and Chad. Eventually the rest of the world learned my little secret, and following walked through a very dark valley with us when both of those babies were ushered into Heaven before taking a breath here on earth.

Last year, this very same weekend, Mother's Day I had the same secret.  This weekend I am celebrating my MIRACLE.  Ellery Grace, God planned YOU since before time began. Your brother's, your dad and I simply cannot thank God enough for you. I am so glad He can see our hearts, read our minds, and hear the whispers of our tears. We love you baby girl!!!

Worth The Wait

 

Our family will never forget the journey we have been on

the past few years. The babies we never got to meet

will always be a part of our family. Those precious

lives taught me, taught us so much.

 

AND...

Ellery Grace you were without a doubt worth the wait!!
We thank God for you and are blessed beyond
 what words could say.

Beautiful Grace

No words, I am simply without words.

Speechless, captured by God's goodness.

Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.

Sweet little Ellery Grace,

You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.

Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.

Isn't it funny how once you know how people really feel about you, about your circumstances, your whole perspective changes on so many levels. 

Yesterday, when I shared my last baby appointment update of this pregnancy via a social networking page, I also shared the fact that I was going to have to be induced. My statement also included how things do not go well for me with inductions. Unless you were there, in the room, for either one of them I've had to go through you really have NO idea. You also do not understand that I can be pretty much guaranteed this induction will follow a similar path to the other two, as circumstances are similar.

So, I suppose I am not allowed to feel a little disappointed and a tad frustrated. No, really what it comes down to is that I should not share those feelings. Which is why for the most part I never do. Judgement comes quickly when a person is walking with a struggle.  Not enough grace these days, especially by those who should know how to give it the most.

I have learned a lesson....lots of people only want to hear the good stuff. They can't just come and walk beside you to encourage you, it has to come with a price.

I heard things like "Remember that I chose this.""Remember how badly you wanted this?" "Look at the blessing you will have at the end." Really? I was just sharing the last part of my pregnancy journey and how I wasn't thrilled with the induction part. I didn't think I had people looking at me like I somehow almost deserved this.   I guess I must apologize if my life has ever been a reflection of begging the Lord for a child, all while being ungrateful for the ones I have. Or coming across as anything but blessed (in countless ways over my life).  I have never claimed to be perfect, man my flaws are sometimes so consuming I have to walk away from myself and cling to the promise I have in Jesus of being washed white as snow.  I would not want to see what I would be apart from Him.....ugly.

If you have read my blog, or are in my 'circle' of 'friends' on facebook I certainly hope you have been able to see right through me and know who I am. Know WHO I believe in. Know WHAT I stand for. That you see someone who is doing what everyone else is doing.....this thing called life.  It's hard and messy, disappointments occur, hurts happen.  BUT there is so much more....hope, joy, answers to prayer, contentment, grace, peace, love. Most of the time I really try to live my life in that aspect and I apologize for being honest about the times when life is not that way.

Life is all about the destination, but it is a journey along the way. To those who have really taken the time to care about our family, to show our family love and grace, to walk along side of us during the joyous times as well as the not so beautiful moments please know we love you deeply and appreciate you so much!!

Counting Down

Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant, I can hardly believe it!!! This pregnancy has FLOWN by! I am so thankful that I was able to experience it again....I've just been soaking it all in. I honestly cannot believe it's almost over. 

Mentally I have been trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead in just a few short days/weeks. LABOR and delivery....you would think having been there and done that 5 times I'd be ready. But, I'm not. I have loooooong labors. After my last delivery, my biggest prayer is that history does not repeat itself. If you feel led to pray for anything in these next several days....pray that labor begins on its own and that baby presents itself like it's supposed to. I would rather go 2 weeks late and go on my own, then have to be induced. My body does not handle inductions well.

I am in the final stages of baby prep and packing for the hospital....the next time I update my blog will most likely be after we welcome baby into this world!  WE CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for walking along side of us during these months and celebrating the miracle that God has given us.

Journey Of A Million Steps

May 2011 our family began a journey we did not ever think we would have to walk through.  A positive pregnancy test gave way to the news at the end of June that at 8 weeks the baby had no heartbeat. We continued to walk down the same path in February of 2012 losing a baby at 7 weeks gestation and then again in  June of 2012 at 10 weeks. 

My heart is not filled with grief most days however, it is filled with thanksgiving for those 3 precious souls that I was blessed to carry, if even for only a short time.  The Lord taught me so much through those days, and months to follow. I honestly would go back and do it all over again without hesitation. I am not saying that I do not ache for those precious babies that I never got to meet, because some days I do. In fact when I was decorating for Christmas this year and moving the shadowboxes that each of their ultrasound pictures are in I found myself feeling the heavy weight of so much heartache, grief and loss. Lots of tears were shed that night.





 

The Fall months of 2012 were spent seeing a specialist to make sure that we were not missing something as to why I kept miscarrying. Various tests and labs were done looking for anything that may be the cause. It was a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack, because I had 5 prior healthy pregnancies, but then suffered 3 recurring losses I was in a 5%  group of women labled habitual aborter (nice term huh?).

 

I spent a lot of time in prayer during those months asking the Lord to make HIS will clear. I knew I was so blessed to have 5 children, yet deep inside my heart I yearned for another. I had to let that go. I had to trust that God who has always had my best interest in HIS hand knew what He was doing. I had gone through everything the specialist wanted to look at and I was supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment to go over everything. I really did not have any intention of doing this. I was at peace just letting things be what they would be. However since I paid for all these appointments, invested all that time, I figured seeing as the Doctor invested in me I owed him to listen to what he had to share. Everything looked good, except for one lab that came back slightly off. I would have never known this if I would not have had this appointment.  It was a clotting lab and my numbers were not exceptionaly high, but they were not in the normal range either. The fix.....a baby aspirin throughout pregnancy. I would also need to begin progesterone on day 17 of my cycle and continue until a pregnancy test confirmed either I needed to continue or stop. Let me just say, doing that after a few cycles got REALLY old, REALLY fast. It was becoming more science then trusting in God's plan. So, I made a decision to only begin progesterone AFTER I had a test show positive.

 

During all this time I was not feeling physically well either and knew I needed to find out what was going on before we allowed our family to possibly expand. I actually had been not feeling decent on and off for almost 2 years.  Short story....very, very sick gallbladder. It was only functioning at 3%, which the surgeon said is extremely uncommon. (How come everything about me is abnormal????)  Decided it needed to come out, so in January 2013 I had surgery to remove it.

 

Fast forward to May 2013.....garage sale time....sold most of our baby stuff. It was just time to let it go. Let it be a blessing to another family. I cried. I wondered what God was doing. I hadn't had a cycle since March...and pregnancy test after pregnancy test was negative.  The day after the sale I decided to take another test.....oh does God have a sense of humor.....it was POSITIVE!!!

 

I was scared, excited, terrified, overjoyed, amazed, humbled and so thankful. I would need to see the specialist for the first 8 weeks to monitor things. Ultrasounds to check growth....I was AMAZED at what they could see at 6 weeks. I had never had an ultrasound that early. I can remember sitting on the table waiting for the Doctor to come in and being so overwhelmed. I didn't know what to think or feel. I knew my history and was not expecting to see a heartbeat. I think as a way of protecting myself I just planned for the worst.....I honestly did not expect to see the heart fluttering away on that screen. BUT the Lord had other plans that day. Plans to prove me wrong.  I am so glad He did!!!  Then, he did it again at 8 weeks along, I planned to go in and see no heart activity. Yet there it was!!!

 

I could go on and on. Still even at 35 weeks along I feel like it's a dream. I know to most people it isn't anything terribly thrilling. I mean we already have 5 kids, so what is the big deal being excited about this baby. Actually people have even made me feel guilty for celebrating this baby, enough so that I rarely have talked about my pregnancy especially on my blog. Rarely have shared what these weeks and months have been like. I could have shared so many things along the way, wanted to share my feelings but didn't want to deal with the critical comments and emails. Remember, I'm an old pregnant mom who has 5 energetic boys to deal with in all this too! =)

 

It has been a long 2 1/2 years, but God has revealed so much of Himself  over this time. He has abundantly blessed over and over. Through mountaintop moments, and long winding valleys, God's character has been displayed over and over. Our family has learned so much during these years, it's been amazing to grow in our faith walk together in all of this.

 

So now we eagerly wait the arrival of the newest little bundle....sometime after the New Year....