Esophagogastro........what??

9 weeks after my first Esophagogastroduodenoscopy (don't worry....I can't say it either), I had a second follow-up procedure done today.  I was thankful that I knew what to expect so I was a lot less nervous about the ordeal.  Still~~going under deep sedation always poses a risk (which is why they have you sign on the "sign your life away paper") before they put you under. =)

My last scope showed significant GERD with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (fancy term for having white blood cells in your esophagus, which are not supposed to be there). The picture my Doctor showed me last time was a very ugly throat.  Lots of rings and striations. The EE was probably the most concerning part because on one hand it can be related to GERD, but usually only if the biopsy shows a white blood cell count of less than 15, mine was greater than 30. Then you're talking autoimmune stuff, that really becomes hard to pinpoint. In fact, as of now EE is a highly misunderstood disease. The protocol was to treat me with prilosec for 8 weeks and then scope again to see how things looked.

These past 9 weeks have contained all sorts of fun.  I think I have had almost every side effect from the prilosec that you can have.  The worst thing may have quite possibly been the stinking brain pounding~can't think straight headaches.  The 13 day long one was nothing but a JOY. And of course with GERD you cannot (should not) take ibuprofen.....so the Tylenol "sugar pill" that I could take was absolutely pointless.  I think it just made it worse! Another side effect of taking an H2 blocker is a greater risk of food poisoning. I laughed out loud this morning when my Dr wrote that on the board......seeing as that is what I had last week. When your stomach does not produce acid, there is nothing to help clear out the "bad guys" before they take root and explode in your gut.  OH FUN!!!!

Really, I was not sure what we would find today. I was hopeful that the medicine gave my body time to heal, and that enduring a slew of side effects made a difference, where we needed to see improvement.

My report today:  MUCH IMPROVED WITH NO RINGS OR INFLAMMATION!!!! THANK YOU, LORD!!!! I will not get the results of the latest biopsy for another week or so. I am praying that my EE was solely related to the GERD.

Unfortunately, I still have to remain on an acid reducing medicine for the next year.  I do get to "down-grade" to a little less potent pill. So, now my tummy will make a tiny bit of acid.  =)  Thank God for the little things~right?!

I know that many are going through things way bigger then my tiny little issue. I think this has made me appreciate so much more the days when I feel excellent, but also reflect on those days that I don't feel good~~that many others have hard days too. And just like me, those people have a life that must go on, and things that must get done, and smiles that must be worn.

We persevere, because we have a great and loving God who we can take anything to...because HE already knows!!

What if?

It's easier most days to find things to complain about, or ask "why". It's easy to find things that are wrong with the world, or not going the way you want them to go in your own life. It's easy to see the glass as half empty, instead of overflowing.

But what if we were to....

Pause. Give Thanks. First.

Even if the only thing you have to be thankful for today, is in fact that Almighty God gave you another day of life then just be thankful for that. Take a deep breath in, feel that air in your lungs?  It's called life, and God has given you another day of it.  I'll bet though that once you start thinking of things to be thankful for, your list will grow quite quickly.

The hum of the furnace running~thank God for heat.
The whir of the washer going round and round for the 6th load that day~thankful for clothes.
The daughter following me around the house yelling "MOMMY"~thankful for God's gift of children.
Sink full of suds~thankful for dishes~which reminds me to be thankful for cupboards FULL of food.

Often times we do not give thanks for even the smallest of gifts. Reflection is a beautiful thing. It makes our ungrateful and shallow beings find that we too often do not live with a spirit of thankfulness. I know I am guilty of this. I need to be more intentional to live a life with a heart full of gratitude for what the Lord has given because even in the midst of days where I just can't find it.........

You Were Right!

Last weekend Chad stopped for gas when a young 20's something kid walked up to him after reading his license plate {which identifies how many kiddos we have} and said to him "Man, I feel real sorry for you."

If you have ever told me to my face that I was crazy for having so many children, or have thought it {and were nice enough to keep it to yourself}....

YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My entire month of May has just been completely booked by golf, driver's training, late afternoon/evening field trip pick ups, sports physicals, band concerts, well-baby appointment, camping {THANKFUL}, tulip time parades to watch Ethan march {CAN'T WAIT}, end of the year school program.

There is just not enough of me {although many people would say that there is too much of me}. I think I may be hyperventilating!!!

This.Is.Nuts.
~and~
I'll say it for you all because I know what you're thinking...

You.Asked.For.It.

BUT....................................................................
This is our crazy life, and instead of judging people that have big families I have an idea......just pray for them instead. There is a lot on our plates, and that is even with saying "no" to more, simply because we need to. Pray that the Lord will guide our steps each day, will give us extra patience when our fuses are short. That we will be disciplined well with our time, and yet find moments in each day just to be still. My prayer is that I will remember that there IS more than just trying to make it through the day......

But there's more to this life living and dying
More than just trying to make it through the day
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
And there's more than this life alone can be...

More to This Life ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

And in all of the craziness that WE are, and life is......people will see JESUS in us............

Not Good Enough

"All I wanted to do was run up there and rescue him." 17 years ago those were the words someone said to me right after my wedding ceremony. No hugs, no congratulations, no I'm so happy for you both. Only words spoken with such a clear message that I was not, and would not ever be "good enough". I remember standing in the back of the Church being so incredibly happy, yet having been told that, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails just a tiny bit.

I have learned something over these past 17 years, that person was right. I am not good enough~and no matter how much I try to be the most amazing wife I will fail 100% in some way every single day. But something else I have learned is marriage isn't about being perfect, marriage is about being vulnerable, and honest and transparent and ugly. Marriage is about figuring out how to be less of me, more of him. Marriage is about leaping out of an airplane with a parachute on and trusting your partner to know when to pull the cord to open up that chute!

Marriage is hard. Marriage is messy. Marriage is imperfection, quite possibly at its best.

However, marriage is also about the most incredible love I have ever known next to God's love. It about laughter, and incredible joy. It's warm hugs on cold days. It is jumping into the deep end of the pool and treading in the water together. It's figuring out who we are over the years and what matters.

It's faith, in a God that is so much greater then we will ever comprehend or understand. Yet, we choose to trust our entire lives to Him. It's grace given to one another, just as it has been given to us. It's the very picture of forgiveness poured out from our Savior, dying on that cross for us.

It is truly the best thing that has ever, ever happened to me. I am so thankful that I am loved within my imperfections. I would give nothing back, trade nothing, wish for different. I am beyond grateful for my best friend, my soul mate, my partner in this messy thing we call life.

I will love him always~thank you for making the last 17 years forever beautiful.

Graduation Day

I have been in physical therapy since mid November and tonight I "graduated" (mostly because my prescription ran out).  I exceeded my therapists expectations. When I started upon assessment I had absolutely ZERO core muscles and I couldn't even do a sit and reach sit-up. Tonight upon assessment {and after a million crunches} I can do a full sit-up with my hands behind my head. I can also do full side planks {I could only do them with my knees bent before}. I can hold a front plank for over 60 seconds {only could do it for 10 seconds when I started}. The BIGGEST gain though is that I actually have been able to run, not fast, but I ran 1.5 miles without debilitating hip pain.

So, now it's up to me as I have no one to be accountable to, except myself. I need to keep doing my core strength building and my resistance bands for my hip strengthening, pretty much indefinitely.   It is a true struggle to actually make the time for myself and my exercises, my personal self is ALWAYS at the bottom of the list of my million daily tasks to get done, and my princess 13 month old who takes up any and all "extra" of me. By the time I have, more like if I have 30-60 minutes I'm so exhausted I can hardly walk down the stairs to work out!

It's amazing the things you take for granted in life, like exercising without being in constant pain. Or even just being able to exercise in general....my will to do it is there~it's my ability that's lacking!! I can sit around and blame my shallow hip sockets, or my dislocated hips at birth, or the fact that how they corrected them as told by my orthopedic Doctor has been proven not to work {nice to know that NOW}. Or, I can do what he told me to do~get those muscles, ligaments, tendons strengthened to hold my hip joint in the socket so I can run~~and hopefully prevent a hip replacement surgery for many, many years. It's nice to hear an orthopedic Doctor tell you that running has been very good for you and that we were created to run.

I HAVE to do this now, for me.........WHY is it so hard to get this through my head??

Poof!!!

Where did it go? This past year, 12 months; 52 weeks; 365 days. How can I blink and be here? I inhaled and upon exhaling an entire year came and went.

One look at the number of blog posts I made in 2014 compared to other years you can tell this past year must have been quite something!  Indeed it was. Life with a little princess who somehow managed to steal the hearts of every single person living under this roof!

You know that saying "sugar and spice make everything nice"....Ellery is a little heavy on the spice!! ;-)  Her brothers and daddy would probably disagree with me and say she's 98% sugar!!  She has been an absolute JOY and really so much fun. She has also been a BIG challenge and at times to say she is high maintenance is quite the understatement.  She is child number six, but many times has left me feeling like she is my first. A year later and quite frankly I still don't have her figured out!! =)  I absolutely LOVE being her mommy ~ I am grateful to God for giving me a daughter. Twelve months later it still is weird at times to say that word, see pink in her closet and try to figure out just how those outfits with tights and fancy diaper cover things go!!  =)

Just as a diamond is formed under very high heat and extreme pressure, so sometimes are the Lord's most beautiful answers to the heart cries of His children. Each one of us in our family know that when we see Ellery, touch her, hug her,snuggle her we are holding a tangible and most beautiful gift. All life is so very precious and such a miracle, but when you endure the loss of a baby and then another, and then another you tend to love more than you thought possible the ones that the Lord lets you meet this side of eternity. That may seem a little over the edge for some people to understand, but I see it within the walls of my home every single day.  Indeed it is a beautiful picture that if we can love someone that much, oh how much more does our Heavenly Father love us?!!

Thank you for celebrating the beautiful moments along the way this year with our little princess.

Happy Birthday Sweet Ellery

Just Today

Sometimes days are absolutely overwhelming and I wonder how in the world I could have ever even thought I could handle having another baby.  Many times recently the words "you're nuts" have echoed in my mind. I haven't had a date with my husband in over 7 months. I feel like I miss 1/2 of the conversations my kids attempt to have with me, because I am always doing something that requires the other 1/2 of my attention. Did I mention the calendar for this month?? Something on it every single day. The lack of sleep makes my brain foggy and my fuse short some days. My almost 40 something body is achy, wrinkly and definitely pudgy in places it was not before. I am unable to run, which is something I miss deeply. My house at best resembles a store after a black Friday crowd has busted through the doors and picked up items only to set them down right where they DON'T belong.


BUT THEN I JUST LOOK AT HER. Yes, this beautiful reminder that after the sorrow and heartache of 3 miscarriages the Lord BLESSED our family with another baby. He most certainly did not have to answer the cries of our hearts in this way~but HE did. THAT makes my heart sing!! With HIS help, I can do this!!!


So, today (because that's as much as I can see) I will take each moment as it comes. I will reheat my coffee a dozen times. I will overlook the mountains of laundry, the dust bunnies accumulating in the corners. The dirty dishes stacked in my sink, pleading for me to scrub them. I will do what I can, with what time I have, but I WON'T miss out on the precious moments with the gifts (all 6 of them) that God has entrusted to me.

Lord, help me remember and to see that you are right in the middle of all things today. The joys, the tears. You know my strengths, you know my weakness. You see my struggles and walk right along side of me. Forgive me for not giving you the credit you deserve. My life is completely yours~many times I forget that and attempt to "own it" myself. I forget that I have you as my best friend, my comforter, my healer. Help me to find you and see you in ways that could only be YOU. Forgive me when I don't live this life you have blessed me with in the way that I should. Thank you for saving me and giving me so, so much. May I use this day to worship and honor you, in all that I do.

 

 





Time

Cannot believe that it has been two years since I wrote this post. Three years ago today I wrote this one. And today I still would chose to walk the very same path all over again, not changing a single thing.

 

God used that time in my life to invade my personal bubble. To swell my heart. To find Him.  He spoke His beautiful word deep into places of my soul nobody else ever gets to see. He used that period of months and years to teach me and mold me. To show me who HE is, which then showed me who I am in Christ. The One who promises to be faithful, even if it is not seen in this life. The One I am to trust with all that I am.

 

Even when I do not understand.



 

My days are not my own. My plans are not mine, they are His. I grasp that so much more clearly now, and that makes life so much sweeter.

 

Even the hard days, and yes there are really hard days sometimes.

 

 

There are many people I know going through a lot of BIG things right now. I don't understand why we have to say goodbye so soon. I don't understand why people have to get terribly sick. I don't understand why some days it is a struggle just to put bread on the table for some families. I don't understand why people say one thing, but live another. I don't understand why storms rage all around us and despair hangs on like the thickest of fog.

I do understand there is this ugly word call sin, and that we live in a fallen world. I do know that I cannot make it a single moment without being blood bought by Christ's sacrifice on the cross.  It doesn't make this life on earth any easier, it does make it possible. HE is hope in the midst of storms, joys, heartaches, mountaintops, valleys, answered prayer, prayers still waiting for an answer.

 

 

Thankful heart today...



 

 



 



The Secret Miracle

3 years ago Mother's Day weekend I had a secret, 2 years ago I had the same secret. I was pregnant with baby # 6 and baby # 8. The only people that knew were God and Chad. Eventually the rest of the world learned my little secret, and following walked through a very dark valley with us when both of those babies were ushered into Heaven before taking a breath here on earth.

Last year, this very same weekend, Mother's Day I had the same secret.  This weekend I am celebrating my MIRACLE.  Ellery Grace, God planned YOU since before time began. Your brother's, your dad and I simply cannot thank God enough for you. I am so glad He can see our hearts, read our minds, and hear the whispers of our tears. We love you baby girl!!!

Worth The Wait

 

Our family will never forget the journey we have been on

the past few years. The babies we never got to meet

will always be a part of our family. Those precious

lives taught me, taught us so much.

 

AND...

Ellery Grace you were without a doubt worth the wait!!
We thank God for you and are blessed beyond
 what words could say.

Beautiful Grace

No words, I am simply without words.

Speechless, captured by God's goodness.

Hovered over by His faithfulness. Loved poured out over our family, too much to even comprehend. Fully aware of something so precious, yet at times cannot wrap my heart around it. A visible awareness of a prayer prayed so much that is now sitting before our eyes. What a wonder!! Makes me stop and think....what else do I doubt God with, or for. What else do I feel guilty laying before the God of the Universe and letting Him do the weaving in my life and the life of my family.

Sweet little Ellery Grace,

You were prayed for and over since before you were even you! Days, weeks, months, a length of time I can't even remember. You entered the world with a story attached. You have 3 brothers or sisters that Daddy, your brothers, nor I have yet to meet. They were carried in my tummy for only a short time before they got to go live with Jesus, but they will forever be carried in our hearts. Your big brothers never, ever stopped praying and believing God for a baby. YOU, beautiful baby are that answer. Never did one day go by in between all the heartache of having three miscarriages did they skip a day. It was a simple prayer, yet so heartfelt. Once you began to grow inside of me they did not stop....up until the day you were born. You are loved. You are a beautiful picture of God making beautiful things out of the dust of our lives. The grace of God being poured out onto our family.

Forever we will give the Lord thanks....great is HIS faithfulness.

Isn't it funny how once you know how people really feel about you, about your circumstances, your whole perspective changes on so many levels. 

Yesterday, when I shared my last baby appointment update of this pregnancy via a social networking page, I also shared the fact that I was going to have to be induced. My statement also included how things do not go well for me with inductions. Unless you were there, in the room, for either one of them I've had to go through you really have NO idea. You also do not understand that I can be pretty much guaranteed this induction will follow a similar path to the other two, as circumstances are similar.

So, I suppose I am not allowed to feel a little disappointed and a tad frustrated. No, really what it comes down to is that I should not share those feelings. Which is why for the most part I never do. Judgement comes quickly when a person is walking with a struggle.  Not enough grace these days, especially by those who should know how to give it the most.

I have learned a lesson....lots of people only want to hear the good stuff. They can't just come and walk beside you to encourage you, it has to come with a price.

I heard things like "Remember that I chose this.""Remember how badly you wanted this?" "Look at the blessing you will have at the end." Really? I was just sharing the last part of my pregnancy journey and how I wasn't thrilled with the induction part. I didn't think I had people looking at me like I somehow almost deserved this.   I guess I must apologize if my life has ever been a reflection of begging the Lord for a child, all while being ungrateful for the ones I have. Or coming across as anything but blessed (in countless ways over my life).  I have never claimed to be perfect, man my flaws are sometimes so consuming I have to walk away from myself and cling to the promise I have in Jesus of being washed white as snow.  I would not want to see what I would be apart from Him.....ugly.

If you have read my blog, or are in my 'circle' of 'friends' on facebook I certainly hope you have been able to see right through me and know who I am. Know WHO I believe in. Know WHAT I stand for. That you see someone who is doing what everyone else is doing.....this thing called life.  It's hard and messy, disappointments occur, hurts happen.  BUT there is so much more....hope, joy, answers to prayer, contentment, grace, peace, love. Most of the time I really try to live my life in that aspect and I apologize for being honest about the times when life is not that way.

Life is all about the destination, but it is a journey along the way. To those who have really taken the time to care about our family, to show our family love and grace, to walk along side of us during the joyous times as well as the not so beautiful moments please know we love you deeply and appreciate you so much!!

Counting Down

Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant, I can hardly believe it!!! This pregnancy has FLOWN by! I am so thankful that I was able to experience it again....I've just been soaking it all in. I honestly cannot believe it's almost over. 

Mentally I have been trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead in just a few short days/weeks. LABOR and delivery....you would think having been there and done that 5 times I'd be ready. But, I'm not. I have loooooong labors. After my last delivery, my biggest prayer is that history does not repeat itself. If you feel led to pray for anything in these next several days....pray that labor begins on its own and that baby presents itself like it's supposed to. I would rather go 2 weeks late and go on my own, then have to be induced. My body does not handle inductions well.

I am in the final stages of baby prep and packing for the hospital....the next time I update my blog will most likely be after we welcome baby into this world!  WE CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for walking along side of us during these months and celebrating the miracle that God has given us.

Journey Of A Million Steps

May 2011 our family began a journey we did not ever think we would have to walk through.  A positive pregnancy test gave way to the news at the end of June that at 8 weeks the baby had no heartbeat. We continued to walk down the same path in February of 2012 losing a baby at 7 weeks gestation and then again in  June of 2012 at 10 weeks. 

My heart is not filled with grief most days however, it is filled with thanksgiving for those 3 precious souls that I was blessed to carry, if even for only a short time.  The Lord taught me so much through those days, and months to follow. I honestly would go back and do it all over again without hesitation. I am not saying that I do not ache for those precious babies that I never got to meet, because some days I do. In fact when I was decorating for Christmas this year and moving the shadowboxes that each of their ultrasound pictures are in I found myself feeling the heavy weight of so much heartache, grief and loss. Lots of tears were shed that night.





 

The Fall months of 2012 were spent seeing a specialist to make sure that we were not missing something as to why I kept miscarrying. Various tests and labs were done looking for anything that may be the cause. It was a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack, because I had 5 prior healthy pregnancies, but then suffered 3 recurring losses I was in a 5%  group of women labled habitual aborter (nice term huh?).

 

I spent a lot of time in prayer during those months asking the Lord to make HIS will clear. I knew I was so blessed to have 5 children, yet deep inside my heart I yearned for another. I had to let that go. I had to trust that God who has always had my best interest in HIS hand knew what He was doing. I had gone through everything the specialist wanted to look at and I was supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment to go over everything. I really did not have any intention of doing this. I was at peace just letting things be what they would be. However since I paid for all these appointments, invested all that time, I figured seeing as the Doctor invested in me I owed him to listen to what he had to share. Everything looked good, except for one lab that came back slightly off. I would have never known this if I would not have had this appointment.  It was a clotting lab and my numbers were not exceptionaly high, but they were not in the normal range either. The fix.....a baby aspirin throughout pregnancy. I would also need to begin progesterone on day 17 of my cycle and continue until a pregnancy test confirmed either I needed to continue or stop. Let me just say, doing that after a few cycles got REALLY old, REALLY fast. It was becoming more science then trusting in God's plan. So, I made a decision to only begin progesterone AFTER I had a test show positive.

 

During all this time I was not feeling physically well either and knew I needed to find out what was going on before we allowed our family to possibly expand. I actually had been not feeling decent on and off for almost 2 years.  Short story....very, very sick gallbladder. It was only functioning at 3%, which the surgeon said is extremely uncommon. (How come everything about me is abnormal????)  Decided it needed to come out, so in January 2013 I had surgery to remove it.

 

Fast forward to May 2013.....garage sale time....sold most of our baby stuff. It was just time to let it go. Let it be a blessing to another family. I cried. I wondered what God was doing. I hadn't had a cycle since March...and pregnancy test after pregnancy test was negative.  The day after the sale I decided to take another test.....oh does God have a sense of humor.....it was POSITIVE!!!

 

I was scared, excited, terrified, overjoyed, amazed, humbled and so thankful. I would need to see the specialist for the first 8 weeks to monitor things. Ultrasounds to check growth....I was AMAZED at what they could see at 6 weeks. I had never had an ultrasound that early. I can remember sitting on the table waiting for the Doctor to come in and being so overwhelmed. I didn't know what to think or feel. I knew my history and was not expecting to see a heartbeat. I think as a way of protecting myself I just planned for the worst.....I honestly did not expect to see the heart fluttering away on that screen. BUT the Lord had other plans that day. Plans to prove me wrong.  I am so glad He did!!!  Then, he did it again at 8 weeks along, I planned to go in and see no heart activity. Yet there it was!!!

 

I could go on and on. Still even at 35 weeks along I feel like it's a dream. I know to most people it isn't anything terribly thrilling. I mean we already have 5 kids, so what is the big deal being excited about this baby. Actually people have even made me feel guilty for celebrating this baby, enough so that I rarely have talked about my pregnancy especially on my blog. Rarely have shared what these weeks and months have been like. I could have shared so many things along the way, wanted to share my feelings but didn't want to deal with the critical comments and emails. Remember, I'm an old pregnant mom who has 5 energetic boys to deal with in all this too! =)

 

It has been a long 2 1/2 years, but God has revealed so much of Himself  over this time. He has abundantly blessed over and over. Through mountaintop moments, and long winding valleys, God's character has been displayed over and over. Our family has learned so much during these years, it's been amazing to grow in our faith walk together in all of this.

 

So now we eagerly wait the arrival of the newest little bundle....sometime after the New Year....

 

 

 





Your Grace

I LOVE this song. The more I stop, listen to the lyrics and let them sink in I think it's quickly becoming a favorite. Maybe it's because I have actually learned what it's like to experience the grace of God in so many circumstances.

In sorrow, in joy, in desperation, in hope, in questions, in answers, on mountains and in valleys.

I am so thankful for ALL those moments, wouldn't trade one in, do any over......I've learned how to inhale God's grace, and exhale His praise.....

 

It's there in the newborn cry

  There in the light of every sunrise

  There in the shadows of this life

Your great grace

 

  It's there on the mountaintop

There in the everyday and the mundane

  There in the sorrow and the dancing

  Your great grace oh, such grace

 

  From the creation to the cross

  There from the cross into eternity

  Your grace finds me

  Yes, your grace finds me

 

It's there on a wedding day

There in the weeping by the graveside

  There in the very breath we breathe

Your great grace

Same for the rich and poor

  Same for the saint and for the sinner

  Enough for this whole wide world

  Your great grace oh, such grace

 

  From the creation to the cross

  There from the cross into eternity

  Your grace finds me

  Yes, your grace finds me

 

There in the darkest night of the soul

There in the sweetest songs of victory

Your grace finds me

Yes, your grace finds me

 

  Your great grace oh, such grace

  Your great grace oh, such grace

Same for the rich and poor

Same for the saint and for the sinner

Enough for this whole wide world

Your great grace, oh such grace

 

So I'm breathing in your grace

  And I'm breathing out your praise

I'm breathing in your grace

Forever I'll be...

 

 

 

Your Grace Finds Me~Matt Redman

Same God

The same God with you then, is with you now.

The same God who led you in, will lead you out.

Thankful for a God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Our hope, our rock, a fortress to lean into. Things around us may crumble, yet we know God can restore, heal and give hope...even in the midst of heartache.

Thankful for the few friends that have actually cared enough to make sure we are doing alright, in light of the recent split among our Church. Ten years have been spent at Wellspring, loving and serving. Praising our incredible God and growing so much. Our lives have been changed here in so many ways~God has done mighty things in this place.

Our family has done what was requested by the board over the past few weeks. We've kept very quiet and dedicated ourselves to praying over the body, the Pastor and all the people this has impacted. We are not interested in slander, gossip, ill will against any side. Our family is praying for healing and guidance. We do not know where we are going to end up....but the Lord does. Trusting in Him, excited for new hope and beginnings.

Pinch Me

I cannot believe I am almost half way through this pregnancy. I had a Doctor's appointment this afternoon and everything looks great. Heart rate was in the 150's and I measure exactly where I should be for almost 20 weeks.

This pregnancy definitely has been probably one of the hardest for me. Not necessarily the physical part (although I was by far the sickest I have ever been with this one). More so it is the emotional part.  Having gone through three miscarriages I keep waiting for something to go wrong, instead of rejoicing in each day that things go right. 

It's stealing some of the joy out of being pregnant. It's stealing part of the excitement that I have known so many times. I look at the second-hand stores and garage sales for the baby items we are going to need (which seems to be a growing list) and the maternity clothes I will have to have but I just feel so odd actually even purchasing these items.

I think because I have been in a pattern of not being able to stay pregnant I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I actually still am. (I know that sounds really, really weird!) I told my Doctor today it's like I need to pinch myself, over and over to make myself believe that I am indeed still pregnant.

We are ALL looking forward to a new son or daughter, brother or sister in this house. Every time the boys see their baby cousins that is ALL they talk about...that pretty soon we will get to have that in our house. (I'll have to remind them of that when all the baby does is cry!!)  =)

My focus needs to shift, back to the place where HOPE lives. The Lord has been so good to us thus far and our trust has always been, and always will be in Him.

Could Not Say What I Feel Any Better Than This

 

Promise maker, promise keeper You finish what you begin

Our provision, through the desert You see it through to the end. You see it through to the end.

 

The Lord our God is EVER FAITHFUL,

never changing through the ages.

From this darkness, you will lead us

And forever we will say you're the Lord our God.

 

In the silence, in the waiting still we can know you are good

All your plans are for your glory Yes we can know you are good, yes we can know you are good

Oh, so good!

 

The Lord our God is EVER FAITHFUL,

 never changing through the ages.

From this darkness, you will lead us

And forever we will say you're the Lord our God.

 

We won't move without you

We won't move without you

You're the light of all and all that we need

 

The Lord our God is EVER FAITHFUL,

never changing through the ages.

From this darkness, you will lead us

And forever we will say you're the Lord our God.

And forever we will say you're the Lord our God

 

 

 

 

Forever I will say, you are the Lord MY God....

 

 

 

Saying Goodbye

My Grandpa, a World War II Veteran, has lived 93 years on this Earth and is getting ready to finally head Home. He suffered a major stroke this past Sunday and is now under hospice care.

I got to go see him tonight, sleeping peacefully, waiting for that time between his last breath on earth and his first one in Glory. Today has been a day for me, full of wonderful memories of my Grandfather (and my Grandmother who has been with Jesus for 6 years).

He was such a wonderful, Godly man. He also had a great sense of humor! He would be driving down the road and just honk at someone and wave like he knew them....just to get us to laugh. Or he'd honk at no one and just say "oh, that's my friend....didn't you see him??" I can still hear my Grandma laugh and then tell him to knock it off.

I will remember endless hours of card playing, riding along with him on the lawn mower, many years of incredible camping memories. Reading the Bible and his prayers. His hugs. Laughing at the jokes I would read to him out of my joke book....over and over and over. Watching him in his basement working on watches (he was a watch repairman). Never getting tired of my endless questions.

After his injury in the war he was unable to bend his leg, and then later on in life he had to have that leg amputated. I know the first thing he is going to do once he gets to Heaven is RUN into the arms of Jesus.

This song has been in my head all day today. I love the lyrics that say:

Do you want to go riding with me? To a place that lasts forevermore.

Please don't think that you are one among the few,

I'm different just like you

Where I am going there will be no alibis

No might-have-beens or sad goodbyes

Where I am going

And all the questions still unanswered in my mind

Lord, I'll leave 'em all behind

I'll only find the answers

I'll only keep on going (Keep on going) Where I'm going

(Where I am going) There will be no compromise.

No tears will come to cloud my eyes.

Where I am going, and all the precious love I've had to sacrifice

Will be given to me twice Because He paid the price

And it's worth it all just knowing

Where I am going...


Love you Grandpa....

 

What's Been Happening

Wow, I have fallen off of the blog bandwagon!! I actually love writing/sharing but honestly barely have enough energy these days to check/reply to emails, toss in a load of laundry, or pack lunches!! The reason behind this current lack of energy could have a little lot to do with this:

Due January 6, 2014!!!! THANK YOU LORD!



A few people have been praying for me, even before this pregnancy was announced. I did not think anyone was around enough to care what was going on in my life, let alone be praying for me and my family. To the one person who did care enough to ask what was going on in our little world (and you know who you are) I cannot thank you enough for caring so much about me and knowing me so very well that you asked, and were okay to let me share my journey with you. I love you more than words in a blog post could ever say. To the few of you who were prayer warriors behind the scenes, unknown, THANK YOU!!!

I could share all the things that have led up to this moment, but honestly after the comment was made by a facebook 'friend' on a previous blog post last Fall about me having a 'baby addiction' and relating me to 'octomom', I felt my blog was no longer a safe place for me to share anything about the road I was walking.

 I think the following excerpt from a book I'm reading could not say what I am feeling any better:

When you live by faith, it often feels like you are risking your reputation. You're not. You're risking God's reputation. It's not your faith that is on the line. It's His faithfulness. Why? Because God is the one who made the promise, and He is the only one who can keep it. The battle doesn't belong to you; it belongs to God. And because the battle doesn't belong to you, neither does the glory. God answers prayer to bring glory to His name, the name that is above all names. {Mark Batterson The Circle Maker}

This baby has been circled in prayer long before the pregnancy test showed positive. God is indeed good and has blessed us with another precious new life. Please continue to pray for this pregnancy, I have made it past the time that two of the previous three miscarriages occurred. Please pray baby continues to grow, so far he/she has been growing well. Measuring exactly where he/she should be for gestational age. I have seen the beautiful heart beating away three different times now!! Last week I was blessed to hear it....178 beats per minute.  =)  Such a beautiful sound.